So this is more than BIG. I am not a Burden, I have a burden. What ? What do you mean I am not a burden ? That it wasn't meant for me to carry alone ?? This...wow....THIS. I have written it down and read it over and over trying to figure out how this fits into my brain Now that is one tangled mess in my life that's for sure. I am not sure that i know how to untangle the two. Having a burden and being a burden are in my book the same thing. My entire life I have felt like a burden, my entire life I have been a bother a pest, a problem. I was not supposed to need or want anything. I was supposed to be seen and not heard, I was supposed to shut up and just do what I was told. It was like that my whole entire life. Needing or wanting anything was seen as a major problem, I was taking too much time. I don't remember a time when I didn't feel like a burden. Even being so little I remember feeling like I was a bother and a Burden even to my mother. All that mattered was my father and what he wanted. And I can remember times when I needed her so much and she just wasn't there. What I wanted, yes EVEN NEEDED as a little girl didn't matter. I was always a bother, my needs didn't matter, EVER. I can remember saying to my mom once when we dropped my father off at the air port that I wish that it was just her and I, her reply said it all "but we are a family". I had little braids, I was sitting in the front seat of the car. I was so little and i knew that nothing was going to stop, nothing was going to change. He was the only thing that mattered his needs, wants and feelings those were what mattered. So today that is a struggle, its been a struggle for some time, that its ok to need something, that its ok to need other people that its ok that I can not possibly carry all that has happened to me on my own, that is big. Because all of my life that is what was expected. Just keep moving and keep carrying all the things that had happened , just do what you have to do to make it . Even when my burden got to heavy and I reached out for help, and to the right people, counselors, youth group leader still I was made to carry that burden alone, no one stepped up NOT ONE PERSON. And that is the worst feeling. I knew just how awful that things were, I couldn't keep quiet anymore so I opened my mouth, I tried to ask for help....And people ignored, people told lies, people didn't want to believe that I was telling the truth. It was easier for people to point fingers at me. To blame me, to say that I was lying than to address the problem and help me. Oh I was screaming out for help and was only let down. So many people that were authority figures, that could have done something just did not and I was the one to pay the price. With that I came to believe that I was the burden, I was the one who was a problem, who had the problem and who had to take care of things on my own.
I can remember talking about Bella for the first time. I was 17, I think. It was in a little Bar in Germany the Crone I think it was. And I talked about her I cried, it was dark, candles were lit and I opened my heart. I had not felt anything in a long time. And I think for the first time ever I was listened to, I was comforted. And even though I didn't have that all the time, I had those moments in Germany and that meant the world. I am not even sure if he remembers, but it meant oh so much to my hurting heart. I missed her, and I was more than sorry. Someone listened and was sorry too. I needed that comforting, I needed to be listened to and until that time no one listened. Not a real live human, I had the whales at 13 but human kindness is something that I craved, that I longed for that I think, I still long for a lot of the time, and it's more than hard to accept.
I was in my thirties until I truly felt that I wasn't a burden to people but it was a feeling that I would feel for a flash then it would quickly disappear. Because I have to fight the feeling of being a burden ALL THE TIME. I was taught that I was always a bother and a pest, so when someone says no you are not, that the things you wanted were normal things, that someone should have done things different that is more than hard to accept and harder for my brain to understand. Even today when I need something I feel needy and useless and I have to remind myself that is the old, having a need doesn't make me needy. But its so strong, and so uncomfortable I try to need nothing. I feel like all the things in my life have made me needy and sometimes that need is so great, that it is unbearable. Its so frustrating the bind that people like me are in. We want to share and be a part. We want to be a part of the group but our Burdens are heavy, and I have not quite figured out how to balance the Burden and the neediness, and wanting someone to be close.
There are all these campaigns out, saying women should not walk alone in the suffering, we should all stand up together, we should all do some thing and those are all just words until something happens close to you in your own backyard and then it becomes personal. And then others begin to ignore. So we say to people speak out, speak the truth and yet most people are not ready to hear it. Most people are not ready to help you carry that burden, that you never asked for but now have to carry. I think people mean well, but they don't know what to do. I can tell you something is better than nothing, a kind smile is better than silence, I note to say hello is better than ignoring. We have to be careful be selective. We have to judge if our story is ok or if our story is off limits.
So the things that have happened to me are a major burden that I will deal with all the days of my life. And I have had some that have helped carry my pain and lessen the burden. I have had some run as fast as they could. So I have to learn that I am NOT a burden. I have a burden and its ok, to let others help. I don't have to carry this all on my own. So I think for many others this is an important truth to come to understand. Many of us feel as if we are a burden because the need in our heart for the things that we should have had all along, but didn't get is huge beyond belief. We are always hoping for relief....ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS.
I heart your heart and hope you have help in your Burdens, we were not meant to carry them alone. <3
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