Worth

Worth.....This is how mine started.

This is big, really big. When your woth starts like this, it takes time to recover; to believe something different, when this is all you have known. I was never given any worth from the earliest that I can remember, I was given the exact opposite. When you think of worth, what do you think of what value do we place on things ? DO we all have worth? Are we born with worth ? Do we ourselves have worth just because we are living and breathing? Our children, without a doubt I see their worth, I knew their worth when I was pregnant with them. The things that we value the materiel things that we have do those things have worth ? What is worth time and energy ? What worth do I have?  Am I only worth something if I am doing something for you?  So the word is Worth and its something I have a very hard time with. And this past week, its been staring me in the face and it is not comfortable.

When a person grows up like I did, I had no inherent worth. I was not worth two cents, I wasn't worth the dirt under your feet. I had to always prove myself, do more talk less, be seen and definitely not heard. I was not worth anyone's time, anyone's attention anyone's anything. Even when people noticed things or saw things were not right I didn't even have enough worth for them to do anything. And how that affects a life is forever and HUGE. When people start telling you that yes you are worth a lot, and you were always worth a lot and that people should have shown you that. Its is a shock it is a reality that you have never before in your life experienced. I was in my thirties before I even thought about that, that is how deep it goes.

Kind of funny I find myself writing this not using first person and when I try to it is more than difficult, it becomes real and it hurts. I am not sure that I believe I have worth a good part of the time. Those old tapes in my head that if I am not making someone happy, being useful in some way, being productive than I am in no way worth anything. Believing that I have worth or am worthy of even the simplest things, like a hug is hard for me to sit with, and close to impossible to believe , I often say that I need a bat for things to sink in with me.

When One person started talking about my worth some years ago, it was completely foreign and more than difficult. I had worth just because of the fact that I was born ? What and what are you smoking ? You are out of your mind. It left me puzzled, and shocked , its  not something that I automatically understand for myself. As a teacher as a mom as a friend, The people that I interact with I can see that they have worth because very simply they just do. Most people are worthy of the good things in life and deserve all those good things.  I was never taught that for myself, never shown that.

For me things were all turned around and I became a victim so early on that I believed there was no worth to my life I was good for what my father needed. I didn't make anyone happy, I didn't make anyone smile, I was good for nothing but giving him what he wanted. And for my mother I was good to keep secrets and pretend that we are a family and that things were all fine.

Today I am older I don't believe all of the things that I once did but worth is a struggle. When I truly need something it is more than difficult for me to accept that I have a need and even more difficult to accept help. I want so much to be so strong and be able to do it all on my own and yea that doesn't always work.

In the last week, I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams, given gifts that I am in awe of and my heart is more than excited, its literally busting rainbows!!!  My heart is more than scared because I am not sure that I can prove that I am worth such gifts, yea now that is a bind ! It is such a struggle in my head. My heart is more than grateful and I have to practice that saying yes I will accept that and be grateful. Not accepting and saying but you shouldn't but why me, but…. but…. BUT.....No none of that. And believe me I could come up with many many reasons.

Getting a new car is something more than huge, and the thoughts in my head, I don't deserve this car, it is more than overwhelming. I am more than overwhelmed and completely excited, this is something I would never have the chance to own. I mean I have not been given enough value in the past, to deserve nice good things in life. And I have seen that proved by my family. So when I truly start to believe that I do have worth and they treat me as if I don't, its hard to separate in my mind . With my old van for example. I could write about all the many things that don't exactly work correctly, with broken windows, radio is temperamental, A/C goes mostly on, the broken side mirror that I glued, the passenger door that just doesn't work anymore, there are a lot of things but that is the kind of car that I deserve. Those are the kinds of things that just happen that I just have to get used to, things not worth fixing, that was the message that I often got. Having a new absolutely amazing car, as wonderful as it is, I struggle that I am worth such a gift. I struggle that its too perfect for someone who is so unworthy. That is the exact thought, I know its crazy, I hear its wrong but that is where my heart is.

Being invited for Thanksgiving is such a blessing. Such an amazing dream.   When you don't have family and someone invites you to be with theirs that is huge. And again the gift in that is mind-blowing for someone like me. For someone to want to be with my crazy weird self, that is kind of unheard of in my world. There is such an excitement because these are the people that I love most in this world. It is just one of those things, and that I am still cared for and thought of, I can not begin to tell you what that means to this heart of mine. Its more than grateful, its something heaven sent and that is exactly what it is, its my very own little miracle for this often rough life of mine.

I am having to learn and accept that I do have value, that I am worthy of kindness and respect and I am worthy of those things regardless of the past that I have had. I have accepted the invitation for Thanksgiving, and the gift of such an amazing car !!!! ( Doing cartwheels) Yea that might take awhile to set in, YEARS to set in....but I am working really hard, really trying. That even in my weirdness people want me around, that even not having a job right now, I am still worthy. That It is ok receiving a gift from someone's heart, because that’s just it; its their kind heart. And I am worth kindness, I am worth loving even on my not so great days. Even on the days when all I do is breathe.

Life is strange, and for me life is looking better. I am figuring things out. I am learning to live. Life is moving on , I am still fighting , but I am winning. Well mostly winning and that is a good place to be.

I heart your heart.