The things that bring you together or Don't but should

I was watching a video and in it they said that since going through their own tragedy that it brought their family closer that they learned to truly enjoy each other and their family. And that hit me really hard. Because I miss my family, or the idea of what my family is supposed to be and I just need to cut the strings. The big things in my family did almost the exact opposite. Like when I pressed charges on my father, when I had the kids, and when I graduated. Those are things that should bring people closer! You would think there would be a lot of support and kindness and for me there wasn't, EVER. My grandmother was living with us, when I pressed charges and the stares that I got from her were so cold and mean, and not once did she ever talk to me about it. The night I told my mother that my father had abused me we were on our way home from the movies and it was late it was storming outside she said that she couldn't believe that he hurt his own brother. There was that deafening silence then I said that he wasn't the only one and she pulled into a church parking lot and she cried. I don't remember what she said, she gave me a hug but it was like there was a wall it was for her not for me. I just remember watching the windshield wipers as the rain fell. I only told her because I knew that the detective was going to be contacting her about my case and any information that she might have. She sent me flowers the next day they were beautiful but there was nothing for my heart. I tried to talk to my brother, and he kind of laughed, He said "well you can't press charges on someone for being an ass-hole" and he walked away. That was all that was ever said. I went through the entire court system on my own. I was more than terrified, I was more than grateful for my detective, but he wasn't my family. I wanted my family to be with me and support me and I think they thought is was stupid. My mother never asked about what happened to me, she didn't ask anything, she was in her own world. Once when we were all sitting in the Da's office getting ready for trial and the questions that they had to ask, that I had to answer were devastating and not one of them said a word. My mother and my brother sat there in their own world. I was more than embarrassed, and wanted to scream at the same time, while shaking someone ;did you hear what she just asked me? Did you just hear what he did to me? Do you even care that that happened to me, your daughter by YOUR husband? When it was all over and I finally said take a plea I just want it over, my brother was laying on the floor watching TV, and said nothing. My mother gave me a hug and said aren't you glad it's all over. That was it. I don't remember what the rest of the day was like, but I am sure that my heart was broken.  It was one of those moments where time stands still and it feels like everything is moving all around you, but your world has stopped. It was over but nothing was really changed.
 

I think it was my second or third trip and this time I went to Boston on my own, and this time I had to testify, it was unimaginable and terrifying. I wanted to crawl in a hole, I took medicine to calm my heart and there weren't even any tears I just wanted to be back home. I remember my mom picking me up at the airport, and there was a distance she could not understand the trip that I just survived. We never talked about it she never asked. I just talked a little about Ruth, and my disbelief in her lack of caring. Then nothing, but silence. I was on my own. Totally on my own.

So fast-forward a year or so, I was trying to keep up appearances, but I was completely a mess, life was falling apart at the seams and no one was noticing. And I got pregnant with Vincent and Mariska and the hurtful comments never stopped. Cruel things that should never be said were spoken and they hurt. Digs at me at my children that cut to my core, and she said well I know you got pregnant on purpose. She had no clue and again never cared to ask questions. I had learned not to give information, it only made things worse and I wasn't listened to anyway. My brother was angry, just more of the same self centeredness I got from them most of my life. It was so sad.

It was thanksgiving when she said that we could stay, that we could have more than half a room, the kids and I. Then it was December when we found out that I was going to have twins. For a time we were a family, things were good. When I depended on her for everything, when I couldn't meet my own needs things were fine. As they got older as I grew stronger things were not the same. I am not sure if things were always unhealthy or if I was just noticing things but either way it happened. We were in the way, our hearts didn't matter, we took up too much space, we were a burden and my breathing bothered her. It happened so quickly, with in a year things had done a complete 180. Until my heart was so hurt, there was no going back. I lost myself for a short time trying to make everything perfect, trying to keep our things out of her way, still nothing worked, and nothing made it better. I found an email that was written and it was the beginning if the end, I couldn't be hurt anymore, I was working so so so so hard trying to finish school, take care of my heart, care for my children, and the bond was shattered, there was absolutely nothing left once words are on paper that call you names, that damage your spirit. There just is no going back, the damage is done. She wiped her hands and tries to pretend that all is well.

Then I was given such gift that got me out of that situation that allowed my heart to heal. And still there was so much hurt, trips that my brother made never letting me know that he was here, Him changing his number not telling me, and then I stopped hearing from him all together. Trips were made to Victoria and we were not invited, my mother went there for Holidays and there was the hurried conversations realizing that she was there and he didn't say a word. Trips to the state fair and the kids were shown pictures look where we went and they were not invited. That was what the relationships had become, and it made me sad.

I think I thought that maybe graduation would be different; I wanted things to be the way that they once were. A way that I know is gone but still hoped for. And they showed up for my graduation my mother and my brother and it only made me sad because it just did. And people have pictures with their families their parents and I didn't. Not my blood Family and that was sad, more than sad. Maybe graduation would bring us together, it didn't. My brother didn't even show up the next day for my party. No going out to lunch no conversation nothing, and for a second it killed me, it was a realization that I didn't even have my brother, the last family that I had, that I was holding onto. My graduation party was amazing , the best part was when everyone was sitting, talking, relaxing when my favorite people were there and I was there in that moment all of me and that might have been one of the best feelings ever. This was one of the best times EVER, it was safe and peaceful and my heart was more than happy. All I ever needed and wanted was right there in that room.

I realized and am realizing the people that I had pictures with were my family were the most important people in my life, People came from far away just for me, and that made my heart so very happy. The people that were there for me, I still think about that night and my heart smiles I took in every second, I had made it. And as much as those people were there for me that I call my family, they have their own family they all have people to go back too. For me they are it, there is no going back to anything and that is the part that is so very difficult that I have to try and figure out .

In this place that I am in I have to learn that what I have is ok, that the time that I have with my people is precious and I hold on to that. I am grateful for my people, more grateful than any words could ever express. I have to let go of what I wish was and hold on to what I have here and now and that is hard. As happy and as good as those people are there is a sting that just is when your family isn't there as they should be to hold your heart.

And I have to say that the holidays are coming and there is no family to go to, no road trip to the boonies this year I am going to have to make new traditions for the kids and I, things that I will create for our family. And I am excited about that, but my heart still stings, and I am not quite sure what to do with that. I know that I can make a turkey, and its edible and really good, we will make fruit cocktail , and enjoy the holidays being a family, together. So I am going to do that for us and take things as they come, no matter what exactly that might look like. The things that should have brought my family together haven't, and the people who have families already have been my family and that is well worth holding onto even if they are not mine. So what these next months bring, I don't have a clue but I am all in, holding on. So they say when one door closes another opens RIGHT??

I heart your heart