Wow, this year is coming to close. WOOHOO. There was lots of heartbreak and lots of tears but there were some really really good things too. I graduated, I have a degree, a real live one!!!! I worked really, more than hard, amazingly hard, and I fought my way through so much for that piece of paper. And I am a teacher. Not with my own class yet, but I am working towards that piece. I have a car that runs amazing, that works all the time, that is all mine. That is more than amazing, I still can't believe it sometimes that I am so super blessed to even have a car like this. I am more than blessed by Catrina who each time I don't get a position and feel sooo guilty or things don't go my way she is so there so supportive telling me it's OK, I worry that I am a leech and taking too much, and she is there reassuring, she has given me so much, that will be felt for generations to come. That keeps me going, I know that I am not easy to love or even like and she still has me around. I believe these things are just the beginning of what the future holds for me. Decisions that I am making today are putting things on the right track for me and my children for the future. I have to believe that this year is going to be a year for me to thrive, not just survive, but really THRIVE. I want to find my happily ever after. And some people say well yea that’s great, but that only happens in fairy tales and that there are no such things. But what people don't understand is that my happily ever after includes simple things like kindness, love and support. My Happy ending isn't some over the top story with prince charming; and living life like a princess. My fairy tale is something different, it’s the simple and the true things in life: LOVE . This is a year for me to do things I have never done before for me to go after the things I want and believe with my whole heart that I am truly worth having them. Yea that worth thing, that is going to be a rough one! Anyone have a bat? It might be easier, MIGHT no I am pretty sure. But either way its a battle I need to fight and win to get the things that my heart desires in life.
This year I am learning that no matter what I accomplish, or what goal that I reach it will not make my past go away. I think I am finally realizing that there are some things that are not going to be better, that I am not going to understand until my very last breath. Healing is not one single moment that will make all the pain go away its more of a process, that takes time, precious time. And I need to be gentle and give myself that. Once I graduated I thought somehow all the hurt and pain of my abuse was going to magically fade away and not bother me anymore, but that didn't happen. I thought once I started working in the classroom and was with my kids each day that the burden of my past would lessen , nope it didn't work. And people say you have to do the work to move past the past, I have done the work I have worked really really tremendously hard but STILL there is work to do. That makes me more than sad, makes me angry, but I know that I won't stop fighting. I am a fighter, I am a survivor and there is no giving up, there is no crawling in a hole until it all goes away, and I have said that many times in these last few months. I just want to curl up, crawl in a hole have some time to heal, scream from the mountain top for the world to stop then I can come back out, go back down the mountain and live the great life that I imagine for myself. Life doesn't allow for that, I can't hide, I have to live really live, pain and all. I heard a line in a movie today that was amazing : it takes a lot longer to put the pieces back together than it does for them to fall apart. Think about that....a huge fear of mine is that I will fall apart, I would rather do things differently than risk being in pieces. I am still terrified, close to death of some of those pieces. I know the work that is involved and what I am going to have to do, its going to suck; its going to be more than exhausting and painful but its going to be OK. It will be worth it and there will be more room for the love that I crave in this world. There are lots of things to feel and I need to get on that, I have to be willing to go there in order to be in a place where someday my past isn't a part of my everyday. I am realistic, I know that its never going to go ALL the way away, my story doesn't allow for that ,but I can't let it win either. I can not and will not let them, any of them take my happiness, and that means going to the hard places, and learning that I am not that stuck little kid anymore. I am truly a competent woman that can fight this, that I will never ever let anyone hurt me like that every again. I have to believe that I am not that scared person, who doesn't know what to do anymore. I have someone again who is willing to walk with me through this and I have to trust, that he won't let me get stuck, that he will gently, kindly, patiently help push me towards healing. It really is kind of amazing the thoughts that are still in my head, the things that I was taught to believe about others about myself that I still hold as truth. That is HUGE, that is where worth and trust and love and all those foundational things that we are taught early on that I have missed. I do believe I have been given a foundation by some amazing people, now I have to challenge some of the old thoughts and build myself as a whole person, not just pieces of me. I often feel like the scarecrow from the wizard of oz there are pieces of me over there and over there and still more over there that I can't reach at all. I want to feel like I am a whole complete person who is worth having people around, who is worth help, care ,kindness and dare I even write the words love. I am worth being loved. I am worth the good things in life, and I deserve to be happy. What?!? Did I just say that ?!? That is going to take time!!!! Not sure at this moment I believe those things but I am trying to learn how, I truly am. Those are the hard things, harder than you can ever imagine when your entire life you learned to hate yourself and not love. And that kind of hate is strong and stubborn. I have to remember I didn't get this way overnight and I won't magically be OK overnight no matter the amount of work that I do, its a process. Each day each year will be better than the last.
This upcoming year I need to follow my heart. Its amazing the little things that I am seeing everywhere, follow your heart, don't miss opportunities being afraid, sometimes you just have to do it, I literally am seeing a few of those every single day and maybe its time that I listen. I worry all the time what others are going to think what others are going to say, and none of those things have the power to make me happy. I worry that others don't understand my journey or why I do certain things, and really it doesn't need to matter to them its my journey not theirs. I need to worry about myself and what works for me and not about their judgements or actions towards me. I know that there are some things that my heart is leaning towards and I am taking steps to make sure that my hart is not acting out of desperation but really about where I am supposed to be. Going to Colorado was amazingly huge for me. That week was more than amazing, it was freeing, it was life changing. I was present every single day. And with my life I am not present a lot of the time, my mind very easily goes away , just something I learned way to early. But when I was there, no nightmares, no flashbacks, NOT A SINGLE ONE and that is about as big as it gets!!!! A big piece was the people, I love those people more than you can imagine, but it was away from Texas. It was away from here, where so much has happened, I met people there that are amazing and true and genuine and people that make you think, that ask the hard questions and even listen to the answers! I do not know if that is where I am going to end up, but I know that being in Colorado gave me a different view of what life could be like for me. And that is something miraculous, something I crave and something that I need to make happen for my life, for me to be truly happy . I was loved there, I loved there and those are things that are going to get me exactly where I need to be. LOVE. Lots of love. I can not even explain the things that my heart felt while I was there, I imagine it kind of like when your dad get home when you are a little kid and that excitement that unconditional love, that being able to look at them and everything else disappears, that safety that is what Colorado was like for this heart of mine, and in all the years of my almost 40 years of life I never experienced anything like that. No words, it was more than real and that is what I want. I want that kind of feeling that present happiness that makes you feel alive. Yes please more of that.
Things are changing looking for a job. I accepted the long term position in Little Elm and oh I loved the kids, I had already learned their names and was getting excited about the things that they were going to learn in the coming weeks. But something was missing. There is no future for me in that district, about every door that could be closed not only closed it slammed in my face and I was still trying still holding on. Until that night I realized, that by being there I was missing out on opportunities where I truly felt that I was supposed to be. So I sent a text. And I said I am so sorry I know that this is going to sound crazy have you filled the position ? We talked back and forth , she was getting excited, I was nervous, I couldn't believe I sent her the text,but it just felt so right. Its in a sped class that is going to be a challenge a huge challenge but its one of those things that is just right. They already had the position covered and they cancelled who they had to hire me, that says a lot, and I am more than grateful. And its less than two minutes from my house and will open different doors for me to be able to stand on my own two feet here before I decide to take the leap and follow my heart to be truly present in the everyday. I don't just randomly text out of the blue but I did and I got a job. And it's at the kids school , things just fell into place. I knew that taking the job was right in Little Elm it was a job and that is important but when this opportunity came up I just couldn't not take it knowing that this will show them who I am and what I am made of and the kind of teacher I am and the kind of person that I am to my very core. All good things. All great things.
Happy New Year. Here's to the most amazing year I have known. I heart your heart.
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