When they mean more

There are times in life when some people just mean more to you than you do to them. And I don't understand it, but I don't have to to know that it hurts. It has kind of been like that most of my life, I have found some people that become so very important and just like that, they are out of your life, with no rhyme or reason. And I can tell you it gets really hard when you give your all and things are said that cut like a knife. And its not meant to intentionally crush you but still it is said; and its just a blatant reminder that you are the only family that you have. And when words like "it's just family" are spoken for a birthday dinner it cuts like a knife. I try to fight back the tears, I try not to let it bother me but it does; it so does. And I am reminded of my place; someplace else but not in their "family"

And I know that I am not the only person with out family, what does a person like me do ? I do not think that there are any easy answers, or any answers at all. I have not really felt like I had a family very often. I have thought that I did, but within time realized I was sadly mistaken, and I am the one left worse than I was before. I have felt as close to a family, but I also know that they have their own families. So again what does that mean for people like me with no family of their own ? I want to know, because I want to have people in my family that with out question every holiday and birthday, and major life event are going to be there. I can be that family for my kids, our small little family. What about me ? Growing up family was basically just for looks we played the part in public but when we were home all the monsters came out. When I pressed charges on my father, you would think family would be there and be supportive, but that didn't happen either. At so many different times you would think that things would come together and that just never happened, EVER in my life. I don't know what to do with that.

I know it is just me and the kids I KNOW KNOW KNOW that, but when it gets pointed out, it just feels completely awful. And I am sure I am more than a little sensitive just coming off the holidays. You know its rough when someone does text and tells you Happy New Year and it makes you cry. And I want more of that. I know that those are the people that matter, those are the people that you matter too, and still they have their own families and I can't be a bother or a pest, just so very hard.

I have to be everything to the kids and there isn't much left for me, there is no refill when I am spent. no one to hold me when I cry for the hundredth nightmare of the month. No one to hold my hand tell me I am doing a good job and making the right decisions. It is just frustrating, because there is me and me is all there is, 95% of the time. And what does a person do?? I am sure these feelings will pass, I know I am super sensitive right now, but that doesn't make it any easier. I can't be everything to everyone, there just isn't anything left for me. Makes me sad. Makes me want things to be so very different for Vincent and Mariska. Oh I hope Family will be a good thing for them, I hope they will hear family and think of our family the three of us, even if there isn't a someone for me.

Oh I heart your heart. Just to be wanted, too much to ask. And I still keep going.