It was noticed a few times by people and I blew it off, oh I just scratched myself, its nothing, not a big deal but it was more than that. And its finally healing, doesn't look so terrible, but I know its there and I know that I did that to myself and I hate it. I am working really hard, at healing and I feel like there are some things that I just can't control. Like I am fine and all of the sudden I do something like this and BAM I feel like a crazy woman .
Its crazy I function every day and am this amazing teacher in the classroom. I can say with out a doubt that is one thing I can do well and feel like i do a really good job. When its just me that PTSD is alive and kicking. Since I haven't been crying it has gotten a little worse, the things that are dying to come out are trying to find someway to get my attention and that day in the shower was a wakeup call. I can not keep hurting myself, and I didn't know or realize I was doing it until it was over but that just is not ok. So I am going to have to work on this.
The nightmares get old, there is no rest and its bad enough when I can recall every detail but those mornings even when I don't remember but wake up exhausted because I have been fighting all night .....those are rough. I get more than angry that I don't have more control over this part. And I have been working on it, trying to picture random things, and do some exercises to help make them go away and it works a lot of the time, which is pretty awesome but the really bad ones not so much. The really big ones yea not so good.
Not sure I have ever had one that was this bad, and its scary. I know that nothing is happening now. I am in a good safe place with good people. I know that its all over its all in the past but my mind, my head is scared. I see things that remind me I smell things that remind me, I hear things that throw me into the past in a matter of seconds. I can not even tell you how I beat myself up about this. I should not be sad anymore, should not remember anymore all the should's that a person could possible have.
I can't stand someone touching my neck, or my hips. I get nauseous with some smells. Sometimes I think I see someone and I literally hide wherever I can, even if that means in the back of the car. So I guess all this is telling me today is that its time to get back to work. There are days that I can't even eat, There are some things that I need to work on, really work on. And I know, its not going to be easy, I am scared, I always worry that I am going to be in pieces on the floor by the time all is said and done, but TRUTH is if I haven't fallen apart yet I am sure I will truly be ok. I may feel like I am falling apart but if the past is a predictor then I am sure I will make it through this too. I am just not so sure what the process is going to be like.
The book that I am reading is pretty awesome and he talks about in order to heal and become a survivor you have to take care of yourself ?!? oh I do not like that part. I am always last on the list every one else's needs and wants are so much more important than mine. But this is something that is really important to me. I know and understand that to a lot of people I should be fine should be "over" it all but I tell you this is a lifelong journey. I can tell you I am pissed that I am not through yet, I have worked really really really hard and yet there is still more work to do and it is not at all easy. If this were as easy as turning off a light switch I would do it in a second and healing just is not so cut and dry. I always talk about how I see and experience life different and this is no exception. I experience life around me today through how I experienced life in the past and trying to balance both worlds is not an easy thing. When the past makes such an impact that I hurt myself I just can't ignore or hide it anymore, as much as that absulutly sucks.
I had someone recently explain it as if I were in a major traumatic car accident and needed many surgeries and life long care and treatment, I wouldn't think less of them. I wouldn't think that they were weak. I wouldn't think anything terrible of that person for getting the care that they needed? Right?!? Why no of coarse not....but with me you don't see the trauma, you don't see the broken heart most of the time, you don't see the damage and experience the pain and hurt. I have said before there are times that I wish there was some kind of outward wound for people to understand and maybe be a little gentler a little kinder, that that might just make the difference and that is not only for others but for myself.
So when I hurt my own arm, that was a wake up call, that I am just not willing to ignore. I feel so very weak in the fact that I did it in the first place, that I am not strong enough to just take a simple shower but for me as everyone knows nothing is that simple. So here's to the next steps and see where I am headed next but I hope its a little more peaceful and a lot less crazy. I am even hoping for some peaceful sleep maybe at Thanksgiving, Maybe ? Hopefully?
I heart your heart.
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