I am noticing this more and more as the kids are growing up. I use the term "normal" parents lightly, but only meaning parents that do not have an abuse history. There are so many issues that are Coming up as my children reach puberty and its really really Hard. How do you explain sex when, that was your experience from the time that you were five. I didn't have name for it, but I knew what was expected, what I had to do and what I had to endure. So as I think about explaining this to my children its more than difficult to separate my experiences from just the facts about sex, because for me it just isn't the same. For me those facts are hurtful those facts stole my childhood.
I imagine normal parents talking to their kids and I think it goes something like this: Sex is when two people love each other and yada yada yada, and they give the correct words for body parts and what happens and everything is clear and black and white. Ok so I have never experienced that how In the world am I supposed to explain something to my children that I know nothing about. Sure I can talk about the mechanics, with the real words then want to puke because of what those things mean to me, and that is more than difficult.
I am sure there is a part of me that feels my innocence was lost once the first violent act was committed, my innocence was long gone by the time I was 5. By that time I knew what my father wanted. Then by that time the neighbor Albert started raping me, and I knew what to expect from him, I knew that what they were doing hurt me. And still later when I was gang raped and wasn't believed and told I was basically an attention seeking slut. I truly believed well this must be what I am good for. For me all of this is what I attach to sex, so you could say, yes explaining sex to my children is terrifying!!!
I remember the "Sex Talk" that everyone gets in fifth grade. By then I was a pro, I knew exactly what was wanted, I knew what to expect. I knew that sometimes the less I would fight the less that it would hurt. And I remember the shame, the disgust, the sadness that this day brought for me. I remember the girls sitting around me, talking about how gross and disgusting that Sex was that they could never imagine something like that. I remember the laughs, the giggles, this was my life, I already knew this information, maybe not the correct words, but this was my life experience. So I sat there knowing all to well, I had to do those things almost every night. There were two men who already hurt me like that. There are so many emotions and terrifying fears that are attached to this for me , and I don't want to scare my children I want them to believe that sex is a normal thing, a part of life but how do I do that and teach them the good things when I don't have a clue myself. I understand that by not speaking with them, I would be doing them a great injustice, they need to know that they can talk to me about anything and that sex is truly ok. Sex is a part of a life when you can make that decision, when you find that person that you want to share you heart with. So for this one I have to put my own thoughts and feelings aside and explain and discuss how things should be…..And I get that its just so very foreign to me.
In my heart I do not believe the things I will have to tell them, in my heart by me explaining and talking to them it takes a part of their innocence that I am not ready for them to loose. For me explaining, talking to them about sex is opening an entire can of worms that I wish I could keep them safe from forever. There are so many complicated things in my own head and its about trying to separate things in my own head and doing what needs to be done.
My heart is more than heavy as I write this, I literally feel like there is not only one elephant on my chest but a heard of them all sitting right here on top of me and it takes my breath away. I am terrified. As they learn about sex and what that means. They are smart and will put things together. They have asked a few questions and I know that the time is coming, they want some answers. I know that there is some understanding and it is truly breaking my heart. I absolutely hate this with all that I am if I could just keep them safe and sound their entire lives, and have them not know some things, it would do my heart good but that also isn't real life. I know that but it sure doesn't make things any easier.
As they learn about sex, as they absorb that information I have questions that I fear them asking that run through my head a million times a million. Well if sex takes two people, and they make a baby ? But you had us ? What about Bob? Well what about rape? I feel like with each question will come more and I have to do what is right for them, and I will. I promise that I will. At the same time I wonder the cost of that on me. The entire weight of explaining this is on me and its heavier than you could ever imagine. I am thinking the toll is going to be great, and I worry that I just won't be enough, I worry they will put pieces together, and think differently of me. I worry that in learning about sex they will put things together that I am scared for them to know. I don't want them to know about the evilness of the world and the things that can happen. And I also know that I can not keep them safe forever. That maybe in knowing it will make them smarter, more passionate and more understanding in their own lives and families as they grow into adults.
This is my fight in life that I feel my children will be a part of whether they want to or not. And as much as I want to keep it away, it’s a truth my truth that just is. There is information that they are going to come to understand that I fear will be a burden to heavy for them to bare. But at the same time my silence can become a burden to them and I can not do that either. Such a bind that women like me are in, such a BIND, you have no idea. I want to do the right thing for them, for their little hearts, and I want to do it the right way, in just the right way. I am afraid that I will fail, because I feel like I have to explain it from a "Normal" mom perspective and not the one that I have.
So as a Survivor that is still healing that still struggles with the things that have been done to my soul, for my children I have to explain things as they should have been and not what I experienced in the world and that there is the battle that I have to face.
But its not just talking to them about sex, its so very many other things, its living in their everyday, the normal life experiences, as a survivor, those experiences were so very different , each and every experience for me was touched by violence, pain and evil. And my children are growing up not having those experiences. And for that I am grateful, but sometimes it’s a struggle , its finding the balance between my past and creating a great future for them. It's me having to remember that I see ALL things through my trauma goggles, and I have as far back as I can remember. And I see them being kids, doing normal things, experiencing regular normal everyday things as a normal 10 year old and at times its hard for me to understand, harder than you can ever imagine!!!!!
As a survivor I see the world so very different I see some tender kind things in the little and I notice the things that often go un-noticed. With all the things that I see different, I see my children growing up different in the everyday, going to a friends house, sleeping over, for me those are all things that have a million red flags. Albert was a neighbor of our best friends growing up, no one would have ever thought, so I fear for my children. And the boundaries between letting them be kids and enjoy their friends and enjoy the simple things in life of being 10 , I see the boogie man around every corner, I see the things that could happen, I see the things that I have experienced and I get scared. I am scared for them and scared for me. I know that I have done a good job and they are aware and they know what is right and wrong but the fear is there. It can happen so fast and the damage is done. There are bad people out there and I know that if anything were to happen to my children, I would not forgive myself. I see Mariska flirting with boys and my insides turn inside out, I want to tell her to stop to be grown up, not to bring attention to herself, NOT to do all these things. I want to tell her to stop, that she is attracting attention! And I know that’s my past speaking. Its more than hard to watch, but I know that I have to let her experience life and oh my heart it is more than rough. Vincent is so perceptive, he picks up on everything and I worry for his tender heart. How he will treat me, other women, can I teach him what is good and right and true?!? It is all there the things I worry about it. As they grow up there are times when things become harder for me and as they move into these next years its going to be EVEN harder. I was so on my own all the time for everything. Middle school is not fun any way that you look at it. And its worse when rape, abuse and pregnancy was a part of your normal and trying to balance the life that I had with the much better life that I have created for them sometimes my past wins, sometimes the fear wins and sometimes I loose. There are so many things that I want them to understand that I want them to be careful of and at the end of the day, I have to remember that they have had a totally different life then I did and they will truly be totally ok. I can not protect them from the world forever keep them in a bubble, safe and sound. I can give them the information that I have and let them lead their best life.
Mathew West : Safe and Sound. Just how I want to keep them.
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