I would visit other places looking for such a place, looking for a place to make me whole a place to make me feel complete, to make me feel like i belonged anywhere anywhere , and I have found that a few places and I often wondered well wow this feeling is here, is this where I am meant to be ??
I found it in Colorado and thought that maybe one day that might be my place. The things that I feel there my soft place to fall, my forever people even on my most annoying days, the place I am welcomed with all my weirdness and embraced. The place where I can laugh and cry and just be. I love that place but its the people. Those are the people that made that place. And I love them more than I love almost anything but being there is not my place because its my soft place my place to go when my heart needs to rest when my world is spinning, there everything stops and I get to be. I can, cry and laugh and be quiet, I have space there. I talk about people holding space and those amazing people that I love there hold space for me and I can not even begin to tell you all that means with words.
I found a place while I was in washing DC. I felt whole I felt understood I felt listened to. I felt pieces of me that I didn't know were there. I again felt cared for and the people there made room for me. I was welcomed with such open arms. My deepest darkest secrets were there and yet you would never know it. I was given the gentlest kindness in the tears of others, and the softest touch to my check, that I will cherish forever. I was given time, I was given safety I was given pieces of myself back. Those were forever people, people that hold a place for me, I in some crazy way touched a piece of their heart and they touched mine and that is the things that life is made from. Those are the things that make a person whole.
The two places are places that I fit, that I belong, that I cherish but they aren't mine. I would have been happy in those places, oh so happy but the problem would be that I need my own space. These places have people that hold space for me, that give me just what I need but I have to be able to find that on my own in my very own place. If I went to those places, there would be a part of me that would want to hide in the safety and not shine in the light. Oh I am not even sure that this makes sense only it so does! I would be that person wanting others to fix the broken pieces to heal this wounded heart to care when there is no one else. But really none of that can happen when you can't stand on your own two feet and do the things that need to be done. Its just about a year ago that I was asked to leave a place that I thought was a safe place and my heart was broken. People were mean, people ignored, people pretended that everything was my fault. People wanted less than for me, and I coudln't understand when they knew my dreams. It was a conversation feeling so less than, so unimportant, so uncared for, so thrown away and my forever person said what do you want ? And I had an answer in the same breath. I knew what I wanted I knew what I needed to do and I made it happen. It felt more real than anything I could ever hope for. And for the first time in I can't tell you how long I stood up for myself my family and we found the perfect house in my very own place :
Anna, Texas
I have lost oh so many friends, or those that I truly thought were friends but I have gained so much more than I ever imagined. This place far away was mine. Everything about it was perfect and true and honest. I was home, my home. There were times I would cry my self to sleep hoping that I was doing the right thing, times I would sit in the back yard screaming at the trees, times I would sit , just sit. I did what was right for me, and it made a difference. I mattered, what I needed and what I wanted mattered. This was a place where there were no bad memories, there was no trauma here, there was no violence, no hurt, no pain, no past, no flashbacks of houses that haunt my heart. Nope, this little city had my heart. Here in this little town was me all graduated with a degree, had a job that I loved with my whole heart and for the first time in forever I did what was the best thing for me and Vincent and Mariska. This was my place. And a year ago I never imagined that I would have left that place to find even more amazing things. Like my very own house my very own mortgage, WOW. I write that and fight tears. I never imagined in a million years. I would ever be writing sitting in my very own house where everything is mine. No one can ever tell me that I am not wanted, that I am a burden, that I don't belong. This place is mine and those that have loved and supported me are welcomed with open arms. This place has more love than you can possibly imagine. I have seen the darkest of dark days. But today I am seeing the brightest of the bright. I still wake up every day and look down the stairs amazed and in total disbelief I have fought to be where I am my entire life. I have fought through school to do what I was meant to do; for that perfect job for the right place and the right people. And I have found so much, I have found my own place. And I hope that my own place will be that safe place for others. I hope this will be a house that holds hope and holds space for others at just the right moment. My place was always something so very far away , that I only imagined existed, something that I thought was only in my dreams. But I am not dreaming its here. It's here in Anna. And I am sure that there are many more great things to come and amazing kind people to meet. My heart is happy.
I heart your heart.
ALWAYS
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