Yea this I heard this and it was like a light bulb went off, I do I so do, I need constant fixing and I can not even tell you how hard that is to acknowledge to even write down. I want to be OK, I want to not be affected, I want things to be just what they are and not remind me of other things. I want to be some kind of normal, and I am not sure what that is but I know that I have a picture in my head of what it looks like. It means not seeing the things of my past. It means no more flashbacks. It means not being scared all the time. It means that my past isn't always there. Because each and every day it is , its in my head all the time no matter what I do. I have really good awesome days, and there are hours when my past isn't an issue when it is not affecting my daily life but then BAM it hits me hard and I want to curl up in a ball. I want someone to cover me protect me and keep me safe, I am an adult woman and that is just something that doesn't work. I don't want to have those moments anymore. I don't want to have to go to counseling the rest of my life, I have found a few really good ones but then there have been others, that were not so kind. Others that have hurt my heart and I pay the price, there have been those involved in church make comments about keeping my legs closed !!!!! EXCUSE me , you have no idea. People that have said well i made my bed so lie in it, when I was talking about how tired that I was being a mom and trying to do everything. What !!!!! So I need to find someone that is going to stay that won't leave me in this incredibly hard work, because I know for sure that I can not do it on my own. I know for sure that I do not want to do this on my own but I also know the kind of person that it takes to stay. And there are a few and I am thinking I need to hold on to them with all that I have, because I am little unsteady and I need help . I need to be carried sometimes be held, because I am not as strong as I often pretend to be, really. I am just doing what I have to do, Surviving. So in this life of mine I need strong people that can understand that a lot has happened in this life , I have survived it all and that is kind of amazing so every now and then just hold on to me, just hear, just be with me. Hold on to me, I need that so very much. So I am not sure how to just accept the fact that I am going to need constant fixing, its more than sad. And how do I expect people to stay , I can't. Because I was taking with someone who truly gets it she gets it all and we said how people have no idea, they have no clue and that is really hard in this life. How does a person go through being mostly misunderstood, who and how do people like me connect with. I know that not everyone is going to understand my journey, or where I am coming from or where I have been, and even the smallest acceptance would make a difference. But I am most often not accepted not valued not looked at as someone that matters whose feelings are important. Am I sometimes fragile yes, but there are so many things for me to share. I have a feeling I am going to spend my life in this place people coming and going, and honestly most just go so I have to hold on to those that have decided to stay. For those I am truly grateful.
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