Friends Far and away

For some time this has been on m mind. And I look through face book and think yea, that is someone else's friend, oh yea that's her friend, that's his friend that is "THEIR" friend  and that is something pretty recent.  I look at some of the relationships or lack of and I think why and how come , people get busy, I get left and that is just the way that it goes. I wonder if it  goes that way because they were never really my friends to begin with they were other peoples friends ?!?   I have begun to delete some of them because I am not one to pretend,  I am me. Strange crazy passionate, heart broken me, always in repair!   At this point in my life I want my own friends, people that I can connect with, people that can see my passion and not look at me like I have 12 heads. People that see me. People that hear me.  I think all of this became so clear a few months ago when my favorites came to town.  There was a dinner for my favorite people, and I had decided it wasn't good for my heart to go,  not that I didn't want to see my favorites but that I didn't belong there those people were not my friends those people do not check in to see how I am or know what is happening in my life, they are other peoples friends.  And for too long I have believed that those other peoples friends were mine,  but really they were never mine.  Some of those people that I have called my friends were not they were actually other people's friends,  and I can not pretend when I am the one who has had my heart broken.

As an example when I moved out of mothers house, people showed up helped me moved they asked how I was they were more than helpful, they moved my furniture, they were there.  I believed that those people wanted the best for me that they were my friends.  When they would come to the house there was a cordial hello, but there was no connection to me, and I thought it a little strange but that was just the way that it was.  I never heard from them seeing how I was, people were not there for me,  many of those people I don't remember the last contact that we had.    As the time came to move into my own home a little over 2 years later, there was no help there was no connection there was nothing, just silence and I realized that those people were only there for someone else and not for me.  I was crushed but that is the way that it was, and I saw things a little clearer, no one called to see if I was ok, if there was anything that they could do because I was not their friend. I was alone, and out of the blue a guardian angel sent me a message and I was helped to get movers.  Because I mattered because, they knew what it was like moving as a single mom.  Such a blessing, that I will forever be more than grateful for.  I was thought of,  I was a thought, and I cried and cried I wasn't alone.

There are church people that I once  did bible study with  then I was forgotten, I didn't belong with those people they write bible studies and I question it all.  Not my people, I never fit there, I once thought that I did. People I once had coffee with I was forgotten, and I have reached out I did, I tried to keep the connection but a person can't keep a connection when they are the only one fighting.  It truly becomes exhausting, and not worth it.   I am not sure if there was ever a connection in the first place.  Of coarse I think there is something terribly wrong with me,  because I would ask, I literally spoke the words," is there something wrong with me ?"  Why am I so different ?  The answer was always the same no not at all everyone loves you, they talk about you and a smile comes to their face.  That is puzzling, if those things are true then why am I mostly alone in this world?

I know I have to face it, I don't do friends very well, childhood was spent as far away from people as possible they were hurtful and dangerous so for a second imagine that being your foundation. There was no childhood best friend,  no one to do school with , to share things.  Come on I spent lunch in high school hiding in the library,   So maybe I view friendships different,  I don't hang around just to have someone there, if I call you a friend I would jump in front of a barreling train for you, that is who I am.  I do not say that I love you lightly. I love with my entire heart, probably to a fault at times.  And at this point I am expecting the same thing from others.

Believe me I know that not everyone can be your friend, some personalities and people just are not meant to get along, I know that but I will not for the sake of saying I have friends pretend to be something that I am not.  I will never forget when one woman that I truly admire, who is a favorite said to me well not everyone can be your best friend, I heard that on repeat in my head! At the time it was like a knife through my heart, I was never asking for best friends I was asking not to be forgotten. Even today that moment has been stuck like gorilla glue in my mind.  I don't want others to have to pretend to be there.  Either be there or don't, but don't you dare pretend to be there, and be something that you are not.  DO NOT do that to someone like me who values friendship like family, like forever people.  I guess those people were just not meant for me.

Today there are true friendships in my life.  The people that I work with are amazing and I am crazy me and we support and really care for each other.  We sometimes get on each others nerves, but we laugh with one another and want to make sure that we are ok. We support each other and it all gets done. There are my favorites in Colorado that provide safety and protection and a listening ear anytime that I need it.  I am sure I receive more than I could ever give them,  its a back and forth and I am sure that they were one of the first true friends that I had in my adult life.  And the people that I met, while filming in DC, those people have a caring those people hold my heart,  they make sure that I am ok, they have an understanding that goes beyond any explanation.  I have known them a short time, but feel like they are soul people.  They may be far away but they are forever so close in my thoughts.  They fought for me, when I wasn't sure that I had any of my own fight left. I can even say that on Facebook I have found a few people that I have never even met that get me that understand that have the same kind of compassion for others that I have, that have survived the unimaginable that still love people and they have a love of life that only you can understand when death has been at your door.  I am sure to meet some of these people, I know they are there and everyday I send them good thought and I heart their heart in this crazy world that we live in! I even think I found people at the church I was going too, these were amazing people, true people I just feel l that right now they are on one side of the grand canyon and I am on the  other,  I long to be on the other side close to them, and am working on the ladder but its just not long enough yet.   I am struggling to get to the place where they are, to fit in and be a part and I just am not sure how I fit yet.

I think in all of this I am learning that I value people differently, I am not one that needs thousands, I need a few close that care, that understand .  Would I like more, absolutely,  I wish there was more constant in my everyday,  but I am working on that,  I usually don't have a clue what in the world I am doing,  but when I say that you are my friend oh I can not even tell you how I carry and worry about your heart.  Maybe the best friends come when things have been so bad and you were so alone and I know exactly what that feels like and I never want any of my friends to ever have to experience that feeling ever ever.  To my friends,  I can not even begin to tell you how grateful that I am for you and what you meant to my heart. How much that I love you.  There just are not any words yet in any language for you to understand .  I am more than grateful for each one of you, for commenting on my crazy posts, for just letting me know that you are there.  For reaching out to me because reaching out is not something I do well, I would never want to be a pest !!!  If you are my friend know how I heart your heart, with all that I am.

Enya : one by one 

Much love, So much LOVE I heart your heart.