People

Yea so this is big and important and a long time coming.  I am not sure where to begin or how this is going to come across but so many things need to be said. I am done.  I am tired of people sticking up for others that have not been kind, I am tired of people saying that they care when words and actions do not match.  You know that saying action speaks louder than words,  YES, that. I listen to your words, but your actions or lack of action tells the truth. I am more than grateful for oh oh so many things, but all the gratefulness , I also can't ignore the disrespectful and cruel either, no one deserves those things.  My grateful kind heart has limits. I am the same all the time, if I love you, you know it,  I do not pretend.

I am not an easy person to love or like really I know that. There are very few people that understand where I am coming from and love me anyway.  For those people I am more than grateful, the ones who have stayed who tell me when I am full of it, or tell me to get back out there in life.  I have a very small circle, and in my everyday that circle is even smaller, just the facts. I am a weirdo, I am strange I am different, I observe a lot of the time, I view life and the world around me different.  I expect things from others, certain kindnesses no matter what.  I hate small talk.  I speak when I have something to say.  I like deep meaningful conversations, where there is a sharing of a heart and a learning more about a person.  I like conversation with you about you but not at you.

My favorite people come into town, you know that I love these people so very much, they are my people and they put up with my crazy.They always have a dinner so that all of their friends can come and  I have been a few times.  But huge crowds are not my thing and I am not good at being fake. The place where I am,  Most of those people are not my friends, and though I wanted to see one of my favorites, the cost to myself would have been great.  I don't hear from anyone of those people really, they are not my people.  My favorites, yes but the others are their friends and not mine.  I could not go and pretend that my heart has not been broken by many of them so I didn't go.  I was fine with that the day was perfect.

Then there was a text about those people caring and asking how I was, and that they care.  It made my blood boil.  I was more than angry and wanted to scream, NO don't you dare tell me that they were asking about me, that they care. You have no right to say that, because there have been times when I was drowning and they looked the other way.  There were times I reached out wanting understanding and nothing.  NO response no contact no nothing so don't insult me by saying they care because their actions over time have proven to me, exactly the opposite.  Their actions do not meet their words and I WILL NOT pretend and be fake.

I am tired of pretending,  I know I have very few people, believe me I know that,  that is how it is.  I am getting old and I don't want to apologize anymore for the person that I am.  I am in the best place that I have been in a long time and I worked my ass off getting here.  I have done this, I have fought and I have made it, there is a lot of fighting left, but I keep going.

Sure people step out as other peoples friends, but they are not mine.  They are not and maybe they can pretend,  maybe they genuinely ask how I am .....but newsflash, they know my number they know where I am and for some of them its been years, some its been months and nothing.  NOTHING So please no they don't care, NO THEY DO NOT.          

There is a woman whose writing that I love who talks about writing from a scar and not a wound.  So I probably should not even be writing because this is more of a  wound, than I would ever like to admit.  For so long I kept trying to reach out, trying to be loved to be liked to fit in and and each time I was shut out, or ignored,  over time I would continue to reach out and it comes to the point where a person just can't keep trying getting their heart broken.

I feel everything absolutely everything, I take things personal and take things to my heart.  These days I am guarding my heart.  Learning to move away from the wound and maybe someday when I get closer to the scar I can go to those dinners.

I know that as people we are all in different places in life, we experience different things, we are all in different seasons but we are all in this life and I know not everyone can be your best friend , but at least be real and genuine, we have this one life, just be kind in the place that you are in.  Kindness changes everything. 

  

I heart your heart. More than you can possibly imagine,  be careful with mine. 

 The Chainsmokers :  Don't let me down