Summer

I wish that I was writing more but it just isn't happening.  I am trying to figure out what it is that I feel There are so many new things happening that my brain is just often way more exhausted than I would like it to  to be, and I often don't have the time. Well I just don't take the time, I just don't take the time, there are is always floors to clean laundry to do,  counters and bedrooms to fix.  I busy myself a lot of the time, and don't give myself this space so I am really going to try because this is really more important for my heart, than a nap on the couch or cleaning whatever it is that needs to be done.

So many things are changing, I feel like I am coming into my own skin a little and that feels good.  Just a little not totally but that is completely different for me Making decisions that are right for me and not worrying about other people.  I ALWAYS worry about others. I have been deleting people on Facebook, that sounds so mean but really its not, its just that I want people that are involved in my life that care that are in my every day to know all the good things that are happening , that want good things for me.  Why keep those around that have hurt my heart ?  Those people are a  reminder of things that could have been once but are not Now,  its just the right thing for me.   I have been taking care of my needs even making a DR appointment. I know Texas may get a blizzard!

I think a turning point was when my favorite came to see my house.  My mom had been staying with me that week while I was teaching Summer School, and Vincent was taking his robotics class.  The last few months when no one was there she had really been helping. She had been kind and was listening and all things that I needed.  I could not tell her oh James is coming you have to go home.  It was a pull in my head,  she has been helping me out, I cant just send her home and then ask her to come back.  So I didn't and she stayed.  I am sure that James was shocked walking in given the relationship that my mother and I have had.  But I have softened some letting her back in I am still cautious, but it feels like its also the right thing to do.  I got to the point where I was done,  there was no more of me to give to her and she reached out and I decided that it was time.  She even asked , and said that she would leave, but if someone is a part of your everyday , that was just not something that I could do.  Would I have said more if she wasn't there probably but she was there and I was grateful, and I got to see my favorite not for very long but it was perfect and he got to see my house.   That was a really huge decision for me, and I truly feel that I made the right one.

Teaching Summer school was interesting I met some amazing people and in the end I am glad that I did it.  There were a few days that I wan't so sure,  there were some rough kids but when I really got the chance to work with those that just needed that extra help, I was all set.  I met some other amazing teachers and it was fun.

I stopped seeing, Matthew well I guess not officially but his health wasn't great and there were many missed appointments and it just wasn't what I needed, or what was working for me,  just one of those organic things that just happened, and I met someone who is everything kind and soft spoken.  He even does EMDR, which I am hoping will help with some of the intense flashbacks and nightmares.  It is not going to be easy at all!!  It's going to be really hard.  I am realizing that I don't like to stay connected that I am not present in my body a lot of the time and there are a lot of things that I am going to have to learn but its going to be worth it.  I am just keeping my fingers crossed everything will work out with my insurance and I can continue to see him, I think I can get to where I want to be with him.  He is a kind gentle soul that will help my heart as I continue with this life journey of mine.

Looking at houses is on the top of the list lately , since my mom lost her job.  She is getting older and I am not sure how she would be able to work and still paying all of her bills. Getting laid off at 63 is not good for anyone.  And things are going really well with us so we are looking at a place for all of us to live.  Then I would not have to worry about her, and she will not have to worry about a mortgage payment.  Its all a work in progress but I am thinking that its a good thing.  Amazing how things fall into place , leaving my perfect house now will not be easy, but there are things ahead that are amazing and exciting and I look forward to whats going to happen and how relationships will grow and change.

I go back to school Thursday and I can't believe it! But I am excited I miss my littles and I hope they had a wonderful Summer and are looking forward to an amazing year.

There was lots of netflix this Summer, lots of naps, lots of laughing and good things.  It was the most fabulous Summer that I have had in a very long time and oh it went by so very fast.  but looking ahead things are going to be awesome and I look forward to many new things new people and new life choices that right for my family ,

Much Love I heart your heart

If you follow my journey thank you, I am grateful, its going to be an amazing year !!!