So yea not so OK today. My brother is in town, and again no communication no nothing. Nothing new, but it bothers me. That seems to be OK with my mom, but Why ? I do't understand. I woke up this morning did some work in my art journal, oh it feels good, at least it gets the things that swirl in my head out. But my heart is not in a good place, its sad and alone. And those stupid memories from face-book, a post that came about some years ago, and it was called forget me not. And I read it and there were tears, there were messages from people telling me that I was not forgotten, that I was OK exactly where I was and they lied because none of those people are in my life, no one cared to stick around. And I don't understand. These last few weeks have been more than hard and since the accident I haven't exactly been in a good place. Its the present its the past and its right here where I am and I want to curl up in a ball. Maybe this is just one of those times, one of those seasons, when things are rough. One of those seasons where I think WOW, I have all the things that I have ever wanted, and yet, there is that sadness that I can't explain. And there are parts of me that don't even know where it comes from anymore. Oh, I do know, because its never far away, but I want to ignore and pretend that it isn't there. The emergency room was a huge trigger that I can't shake. The nightmares have been constant, waking up in that terror state and not being able to relax, that is where I have been. People grabbing you and you just can't get away. I feel like the people that I need are so very far away and there is nothing I can do. I want to scream I want to reach out and I am not sure if I can or if I would even let myself. I feel myself pulling away some for fear of people leaving, and that is beyond terrifying. Just like that blog years ago, those people lied, where I was wasn't OK, nothing changed, they lied, they all lied and that more than bothers me.
People can say anything they want but actions that is what matters. People say lots of things and mean very little, I have learned this the hard way. Oh yes I love you, then you hurt me. Oh yes you are fine exactly where you are yet you are shunned for your questions. Oh yes you are loved yet are not included with visitors. Really you would think I would get used to this, but I don't and it never gets easier, never hurts any less, and it just sucks.
I think that I am learning the hard way, that I am mostly on my own. I have the occasional friend, the occasional one who never forgets, but in the every day, I am just your normal everyday forget me not. And it has got to be me, because its so many, and I just don't have a clue what to do with that. As much as I need others and want people around, not sure that being vulnerable is good for me anymore. I hold on too tight and I am just going to smile, laugh pretend that I fit in, there is always that feeling that knowing deep down, that I don't. So its me. Who I am, in my bones. I am lonely, there are not people to share with, and the longer that I want things that are not meant for me the more that they will hurt. When am I ever going to learn. I am just going to be me, you can just be you and lets leave it at that. Forget me not.
I will always heart your heart.
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