Fist fighting A Sandstorm

Yea so its been a long time.  I guess that you could say I have been better.  I have crawled into my shell lately, trying to protect my heart.  I don't want to do it, but it becomes comfy and safe and I need safe.  Life has been better than it ever has and also the roughest place my heart has been for some time . Since the accident I seemed to be spiraling backwards and forwards and every which way, wanting things that are just far enough out of reach.  I keep fighting things that I can't control.  The anger lately has been intense and strong, I can not even tell you the number of times that i have said out loud, I just want to punch them in the face! So not me, but its there and I feel that anger in my bones.  It started with the accident , the chiropractor and a few things at work, the feeling of being overwhelmed is becoming a friend I would rather not have.  A song came out not very long ago and its called fist fighting a sandstorm.  And its like a light bulb went off, that is exactly what things feel like right now.  I fight and fight for myself for my kids for the kids I teach, for those that I don't even know; I fight for all of us.  I am fighting things that I have absolutely no control over, and I am spending all this energy fighting and it feels like its all for nothing. Hence I seem to be fist fighting a sandstorm and I don't want to anymore.

The people in my life are changing, the things I value are changing there are so many changes and I am trying to keep up and keep going and its difficult.  There are so many things to get out of my head and yet nothing comes. Words and thoughts do't come together to make any kind of sense.  I am the most alone that I have been in a long time, and just wanting to crawl in a hole. I am pulling away from people from things that just are not good for me.  The problem is that I am also pulling away from those things that are good for me.   I am fighting letting people go that are not there and have not been in a very long time, its about the letting go and holding on and I am holding on to some things for dear life.  Some things are so easy to walk away from and yet others weigh heavy on my soul.

I have people telling me that the things I need to heal are things that only god can fix at this point....and that leaves me more confused because if that was the case,  I would think he would have helped by now.  Don't get me wrong,  I do see god in many things that have happened in my life when it comes to my past,  I don't have words, for that one I am on my own.  People oh people,  such a love hate.  Some I love more deeply than I ever could imagine and some I hate deeper than the deepest of holes.  People who were once there that have all but disappeared and they talk about loving god and wanting to help people and wanting to bring people closer BUT I am right in front of them and nothing.  And there is a lot of them so I am sure its me and I just don't understand why.

There is a sadness right now that I don't even have words for.  I am in so many ways all on my own.  And absolutely part of that is my own fault, I totally accept responsibility, but on the other hand no one stays, its one of those weird times and I am stuck in that in-between. I want people to be different to be there to remember me, to be the friend that I need and they aren't and I can't keep holding on to things that just are not meant to be.

I think for me I am just this happy person with a sad soul, and maybe that is just what it is supposed to be.  Maybe that is just the way that it is.  There is a happiness, the kids are amazing,  my house is fabulous, I LOVE my job,  but I am left with this sad soul.  The sadness that I feel is so deep that there are no words,  the things I have experienced the things that life has thrown at me, I deal with them all and I fight but they have also taken their toll.  I have found that happy person that has things I have dreamt about for so long.  but my soul is bruised, battered and worn and there is no making that go away, and maybe its that sadness that keeps people away,  I don't know.  I am in this place with so much happy and such a deep sad that I have learned to dance in the rain yet its still raining.

Maybe with more healing it will come, maybe in time it will come maybe it will never come.....

Just a confusing place to be ....I heart your heart.