My heart is tired and I am tired of being alone. I am tired that people can't deal with the things that I have going on. I am tired of people leaving, tired of pushing people away.
Right now my past is totally winning, and that is more than frustrating with all the good things that are happening. Its still there and I with every bone in my body don't want it to be. I have pulled into my little cocoon and its safe, not productive but safe and I desperately need safe. I need to be safe and sound. This sad soul of mine is winning. The saddest parts of my past are winning, and I am not sure what I need to do next . What exactly is the next step in healing ? What is the next part of my story that I need to work on ? I don't know but I am stuck where I am. And its a place where the sins of the night have control and hurt like hell. The things that have been done, are close and stealing my every breath. They are so big and so strong and I don't know what to do with them at all, I am completely at a loss. So I step back trying to figure it out, only there are no new alternatives or answers to the questions that I long to have answered.
I have this new relationship with my mom yet there are things that are not shared , not talked about, there are places that I can't let her into. She is trying and has been there, I feel like she is truly there yet, I can't let her into my sacred hurt space. We just are not there yet. But I don't have any people in that place right now and it would be nice because its more than lonely, its scary and dark, and there aren't any words but I don't want to be there on my own either. The sins of the night are haunting me to the core and I don't know how to let go. I think about the things that have made me who I am, and its literally takes my breath away I shouldn't even be here or be alive or be enjoying life at all but I am. Yet, I feel like this soul of mine is suffocating under the sad, and I don't know what to do with that, I don't have a single clue and its hard.
I have dug myself a hole, and the problem is that is comfortable, and I will keep fighting but I am going to do it tomorrow or the next day or next week. I need a break in this hole so I can catch my breathe, so I can repair my heart some. You see you need people to heal your heart yet distance yourself from everyone, a daily battle. Some times the point of coming out of your shell or hole becomes a risk that I can't take, because of the fear of being hurt, being rejected, being a bother or a pest. The fear oh the fear, FEAR is a four letter F word, that holds so much control. I am tired of seeing the pictures, tired of the details the scents, the touches I am done with it all. And see thats the awful terrible part because those are the things that come at any moment, at any time. It feels defeating to be working so hard and to still have so many nightmares, so many memories in your head. How can I fight , take steps forward when the pictures literally throw you back?!? It's all to much.
I heart your heart.
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