Dads

You know, there are so many places that my head is in.  Usually stuff about dads doesn't really bother me.  It isn't a big deal.  Well that word USUALLY is the kicker because the last three days have been unbelievable.  First it was watching the Bachelor last night.  I know so stupid, but Mariska and I started watching it and BAM we watched the entire season.  Well last night was the final rose ceremony.  Ben who was truly a genuine good guy called the girls dad that he chose to propose to, to ask for his blessing to get married.  It was more than awesome, super sweet and the tears started.  And then they came some more and some more.  Then the thoughts came, no matter how hypothetical that they were, My brain was on a roll and I started thinking.  If I ever by some strange chance get married?!?  Who in the world would the poor guy call, if by some crazy chance in this world I got proposed too ?  And I was in this panic!!  I honestly wrote a text asking someone I know if he would be my person to call if by some crazy happening I get proposed too that If there ever was a time; would he be that person for that guy to call to ask to Marry me. I know INSANE, but more than true!!  I of coarse deleted the text for so many different reasons.  For one he has his own girls, for two that is not a fair question to ask of someone,  because ,because, because   so many reasons.  So I hit delete and cried some more. My heart has a hole.

You know for so long I believed in fairy tales.  I believed in them with my whole heart.  I want to believe in the notion of Happily ever after and the good guy always wins, and soul mates and justice and how everything works out in the end.  I want to believe that more than anything.  Oh so many people have argued saying oh Callahan, there is no such thing and I fought that not wanting to believe it. Not wanting to believe that for a second.  Because in fairy Tales there is always hope.  Hope for the good guy, for dreams to come true.   People would say they are called fairy tales for a reason they are not real, or possible.  They are just that tales.  Just tales to believe in when there is nothing else to hold onto.


I do not believe in them anymore.  I do not believe in Fairy Tales.

And again tonight the tears came.  It was Mariska's choir concert.  All Disney themed and of coarse one of the songs was from nothing other than Cinderella.  And one of Mariska's friends had a solo and sang some day my prince will come ans in the bridge her dad walked on stage in tails , gloves and all and they danced to the rest of the song. They danced, yes they danced.  Oh yes there were lots of tears. A daughter and her dad.  The tears came fast for the things I never had,  maybe I was jealous.  But you can't be jealous of something you don't know.  Maybe that was it, what I was seeing was something I wanted to know.  I never had that dad to dance with, there is no father to call if that proposal ever happens.  No dad, nope. I don't have one, the one I did have was nothing but a monster and tonight I miss the kind loving gentle dad that I never ever had.

Madonna "Oh Father"

I heart your heart.