I heard this phrase today and it hit me differently. My Body absolutely keeps the score of my life.As much as I smile and try to pretend that I am fine, there are things that show. The scratches on my wrists, the bruises on my legs the circles under my eyes. And sometimes I expect people to notice and ask if I am OK, they do not, and I don't show them off its just those things that I feel people should notice . Even a quiet little are you OK ? Often I don't know what I want, but I know that I want people to care to notice, to do something even if its just being with me. And I know what that takes because I often push people away but be there in thoughts a little text saying hello. It's in the little things . It's always in the little things. 
You know I am sure there are things from the past that are trapped inside. Its hard to explain really. There are truly not many people that would understand the feeling that your own body becomes something "other". I have never been comfortable in my own skin. Never ever. There is a book titled Your body keeps the score and I can only do it a little bit at a time but this is the review of that book. And the words oh my goodness, they fit they fit and make sense and are all the words that I couldn't get out all the feelings that I didn't know how to express. Here it is :
I just would like to share a wonderful review of "The body keeps the score"
"My body has not been my friend since age 8; it's been something I was afraid would draw negative attention, be it verbal or physical. I could not move individual parts of my body to exercise; the body was a whole, frozen thing; it didn't have parts that moved separately, like in belly dancing, or most dancing actually, or could be exercised or enjoyed apart from others. My body didn't have any hinges. My body was my prison, my cage, but also the hard thing that protected the soft inner parts of me, my brain, my feelings, my sadness, my loneliness; my love of animals, flowers, and the beauty of the earth; I could hide those things inside my body. My body was the robot I lived in. I didn’t have control over it; I couldn’t relax it; it was always stiff and tight; it wasn’t safe to relax. It was always on alert for hidden dangers.
Anyway, I hated my body; it was my enemy, my betrayer, something to be ashamed of, hidden and just exist with and inside of. My body wasn’t me; it was a stranger that I was trapped inside of. So, I first read Waking the Tiger and that amazed me how our bodies become frozen when we’re not allowed to express and release the traumatic feelings, or don’t let ourselves. That book sort of awakened me to all my body had done for me, and basically how much old, chronic pain it had been in while I’d been despising, and being ashamed of it all this time! Then I began searching for trauma and how it affected the body information. I ran across this as an audiobook in 2015, and I have listened to it I think 4 times now. So much information is in here that was super helpful to me. I can recognize when I’ve gone through a trauma, like hitting an animal with my car, and just letting my body cry to release that tension. I’ve become more familiar with my body and recognize “where” I feel certain emotions. I never paid attention to any of that before; it just happened. I am beginning to realize that my body is a miracle and I need to take care of it, love and accept it and treat it well; it’s not just emotional trauma; everything is remembered in the body. I’ve spoken to some massage therapists and they say they’ve had people just break down and cry when certain parts of their body are massaged; it’s releasing some memory, some pain, some shame that their body has been holding onto. I had that happen to me and I was so embarrassed, once again, by my body. I wasn’t in control of it and that was shameful to me; but it sure meant something to my body that I didn’t remember, or had blocked out. My body was releasing something that had been frozen. As I continue to recognize, appreciate, and heal my body, I am feeling more, and being able to move my hips, my head. I actually have more control over my body and know what it feels like to be able to relax; that is a wonderful gift. I am taking enjoyment in my body once again after decades and feeling like it’s a part of me; that we’re an amazing team.
If any of this makes sense to you; I would encourage you to read/listen to these books and look deeper into you and what has hurt you, and how you can help your body learn to feel again, and be happier. Your body is your friend and it’s a wonderful one in so many ways.
"My body has not been my friend since age 8; it's been something I was afraid would draw negative attention, be it verbal or physical. I could not move individual parts of my body to exercise; the body was a whole, frozen thing; it didn't have parts that moved separately, like in belly dancing, or most dancing actually, or could be exercised or enjoyed apart from others. My body didn't have any hinges. My body was my prison, my cage, but also the hard thing that protected the soft inner parts of me, my brain, my feelings, my sadness, my loneliness; my love of animals, flowers, and the beauty of the earth; I could hide those things inside my body. My body was the robot I lived in. I didn’t have control over it; I couldn’t relax it; it was always stiff and tight; it wasn’t safe to relax. It was always on alert for hidden dangers.
Anyway, I hated my body; it was my enemy, my betrayer, something to be ashamed of, hidden and just exist with and inside of. My body wasn’t me; it was a stranger that I was trapped inside of. So, I first read Waking the Tiger and that amazed me how our bodies become frozen when we’re not allowed to express and release the traumatic feelings, or don’t let ourselves. That book sort of awakened me to all my body had done for me, and basically how much old, chronic pain it had been in while I’d been despising, and being ashamed of it all this time! Then I began searching for trauma and how it affected the body information. I ran across this as an audiobook in 2015, and I have listened to it I think 4 times now. So much information is in here that was super helpful to me. I can recognize when I’ve gone through a trauma, like hitting an animal with my car, and just letting my body cry to release that tension. I’ve become more familiar with my body and recognize “where” I feel certain emotions. I never paid attention to any of that before; it just happened. I am beginning to realize that my body is a miracle and I need to take care of it, love and accept it and treat it well; it’s not just emotional trauma; everything is remembered in the body. I’ve spoken to some massage therapists and they say they’ve had people just break down and cry when certain parts of their body are massaged; it’s releasing some memory, some pain, some shame that their body has been holding onto. I had that happen to me and I was so embarrassed, once again, by my body. I wasn’t in control of it and that was shameful to me; but it sure meant something to my body that I didn’t remember, or had blocked out. My body was releasing something that had been frozen. As I continue to recognize, appreciate, and heal my body, I am feeling more, and being able to move my hips, my head. I actually have more control over my body and know what it feels like to be able to relax; that is a wonderful gift. I am taking enjoyment in my body once again after decades and feeling like it’s a part of me; that we’re an amazing team.
If any of this makes sense to you; I would encourage you to read/listen to these books and look deeper into you and what has hurt you, and how you can help your body learn to feel again, and be happier. Your body is your friend and it’s a wonderful one in so many ways.
If that isn't powerful, I need someone to understand this and help me through it. This is where I think I am getting stuck. I have done so much work and there are pieces that just aren't even on the same planet. I have yet to realize some of the things that this person speaks of my body is a miracle, yea not so much right now!! I can say that I felt that when I was pregnant with the kids. There is a connectedness, I never took better care of myself and that was the only time that there was really ever any attention to my body. There were rough times at the doctors when I would float away and pretend that I wasn't there. I just knew it was the right thing for my sweet children. I never felt more alive or in touch. I was keeping them safe and sound. 
The tension that I hold in my body is extreme. There is no amount of anything that can make it go away. Maybe its sad but its something that a person gets used to. There are times it becomes more than i can bear but those times are few and far between. It's just a fact of life the tightness in my neck and shoulders. The tension that I feel in my bones. There are still times that I freeze, times that my legs tighten up and I can't even move. There are still times that I freeze, times that everything stops because my body doesn't forget. Whether its a smell, a sight, a sound, a touch its so crazy that one second can bring so much back even till this day. There are days where that is terrifying and days where you think really do I have to do this today ?? Right now ?? So many thoughts someday I will be in the place that I long to be at least in my heart. Then the inside can finally match the things that are falling into place on the outside. Oh this journey can get absolutely exhausting.
I heart your heart.
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