He's not dead

So the other day out of the blue My mom got a call from Danny.  Assholes brother.  And I was like pick it up pick it up maybe he is dead ??  I mean that was my first thought why else would he be calling he never calls , I think that the last time that I saw him was in the kitchen at Dennis's house and they were laughing about how Angela was one more person for him to poke.  That was the last time that I saw or spoke to him.  In those few seconds before I knew I can not even tell you the lightness that I felt the pure joy, the delight in my heart. He was dead and I was ready to dance.  I truly thought that he was dead and I was beyond myself.  I have wanted that for so long.  To know that he is not a living breathing person anymore, that he can't hurt anyone anymore.  But after a few minutes of the conversation we realized he had dialed on accident and no he wasn't dead.  And then again that fear crept into my heart.  I long to see him dead to see his lifeless cold body and just to know that no one is in danger from him.  There is this fight in me that I can't totally put to words and I don't really understand and even though I don't know if he is around children, I don't know anything about him really. I do know men like him don't just stop.  And until that day when I know that he can no longer hurt any more souls I am going to fight I am going to speak out I am going to  make sure that people are aware that people hear me that people listen.  I think that is where the fight in my heart comes from.  Knowing that he is alive somewhere and potentially hurting others is terrifying and I don't want him to have a happy life I don't want him to have anything.  And I will fight until I know his last breath is taken and then my heart will have some kind of peace.  I don't think that the fight will totally stop, but it will lesson and then maybe I can be a priority.  Just thinking these things out, I am not sure that any of this makes sense..  I just know that for those few minutes when I longed to hear the words come out of Danny's mouth that he wasn't alive, there was a spark something inside me that came to life, and until he is dead I am not sure that I will be able to find it.   And maybe that is a choice for me, that is the fight that I can't stop or slow down or even heal those last shreds until I know that he can't shred anyone else.  Like somehow for me to heal those last pieces of my heart and soul I need to know that he can never hurt me again , that I don't have to be afraid that I don't have to worry.  I know and understand that there is nothing that I can do that we don't live in the same state that I don't know so many things but I have to fight and people have to be aware.  I think when he is dead some of those things that scare me everyday will finally be gone and put to rest and I can finally heal, and totally let go of those last rattet tatted parts of my heart.

I heart your heart