As many of you know I grew up in crazy town. Things were violent and scary in my house and I did what I had to do to survive. And in growing up the way that I did I learned to see the world so differently than a lot of people. My world was scary ,mean, and so very lonely. I never got to be a little kid and enjoying kid things. I always had to be aware of who was around me and what they might want. When your home is not safe, when you are not safe no matter what you do or say, when people are not safe and not looking out for you, you learn quickly what it takes to make it in the world. For me I learned to shut down and lived in my head. My need to keep other children safe, and to care for animals was what kept me alive. With all that happened to me, it was in my bones from as early as I can remember to help and protect others that couldn't do it themselves.
How I am today came from all that I experienced growing up. All the assaults, the rapes, being treated as a lier, not being believed all those things have brought me here today. I am learning , yes STILL learning that not every person in the world is mean, that not every man wants something and not all people chose to look the other way. As adults we have a responsibility to stand up for the kids that don't yet have a voice and HELP them. We can't look the other way and assume someone else is going to help, or it really isn't that big of a deal. If something tells you something isn't right you need to make the hard choice and do what is right. For me EVERY, and I mean EVERY single person who saw things that were not right with me chose to look the other way and the devastating results are clear. I had to grow up afraid of the world, and believe that I had to do life on my own. If you could see my heart, my mind its bruised, often broken but it is healing. I am further than I have ever been I have come a really long way, and worked oh so hard but there is still a way to go. There are days I am angry at the world, there are days I don't have words, and days I forget just how far that I have come. Sometimes it hurts so much breathing is hard. But I can tell you that the difference that you can make even in something so small can change a child's world.
So here are a few pieces what my life was like as a child growing up in an abusive home......and no one cared to see......NO one made the hard choices to help me.....its not pretty but its life for a lot of little kids....maybe some kids that you know......this is reality and it happens ALL THE TIME......
My abuse started with my father. From the time that I was 5 and please excuse me using real words here but its important. I don't use them very often at all, because they are so ugly, and so hurtful but they are the truth. They are real life. They are my life. Just real words. So from the time I was 5 rape was a part of my life. I knew what was expected and my mind would go somewhere else until he was done. As much as I could I guess when it happens so often you learn to accept it that was just the way that it was. And I think back to me being that little kid and no one noticed anything. I could give you a list of things that no one noticed, but everyone said that is just "her". She is just different, she talks to herself and animals and doesn't have any friends she is just weird. I would go to school so tired. I walked around feeling like I was in this bubble. There was me and everyone else. Really who would want to be friends with me, if they knew what happens to me, what I had to do , I totally grew up believing that. I must have been really terrible for no one to notice and help me. I couldn't even read until third grade, my head was so tired just trying to survive there was no room to learn what I needed to in school. I was that kid always in the background, so hurt and desperately needing help, but everyone said she has a great family she is just "different". So that was my life at home. Abuse almost every night. He was a raging monster during the day there was no break no peace. That went on until I was close to 13.
Also when I was 5, there was Albert. My mom did daycare in our house and she watched his younger brothers. The first time I remember him doing anything I could see my mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He had me pinned right behind the screen door. It was a cloudy day, I can remember seeing the steam coming from the pan where she was stirring something. And I didn't understand. Really, I could see these people around me and here he was hurting me....I finally got away and ran inside crying no one asked questions, no one cared to find out what was going on. He became a friend of the family and would take me out on the weekends. Always hurting me, he always found a way to get me alone. The worst thing he ever did was kill my little tadpoles. It was an amazing day huge clouds, bright sun birds singing a cool breeze. We were all collecting tadpoles in this little creek. Albert called me to the back of his fan and raped me, then yelled at me to put my clothes on. This was my life things happen and you go on. And I made my way back to the table I wanted to check on my tadpoles and he kicked over my bucket in his big black boots and stepped on my tadpoles. My little fingers could not pick them up fast enough, and he leaned over and said "next time you won't fight". I remember feeling so guilty, that I couldn't pick them up fast enough, and I was just so very sorry. A child doesn't experience things like this and be "NORMAL" there is no normal. It happened often with Albert, and our best friends lived right next door. Their backyards came to a corner there was always time for him to get me alone. No one ever came looking for me, no one noticed the tears because my body hurt no one noticed anything. I was lucky though and he moved away when I was about 8. So at least I didn't have to deal with him anymore. And yes I had to deal with him because no one chose to see, no one chose to stand up for me.
Life was hell. I made it through, I lived life but I was terrified of everyone and everything. I was grateful Albert moved away, but there was still my father. He always hated me. I knew it, I felt it in my bones, I just took attention away from him and that was a problem. I am not sure why his abuse stopped, maybe he was scared I would get pregnant, maybe I was just getting too old, either way he stopped. But when it had gone on so long, the damage was done, there was no restful sleep, no friends to share with, there was no chance of being a carefree kid. I remember failing three classes one semester in middle school. The school counselor called me and asked what was going on. Silence...... Was this my chance.....Then she asked if my parents were still together.....I said yes.... She said great.....now work harder to get those grades up.......she didn't see my eyes.....she didn't care to see......she didn't notice the sinking in my heart......that was the closest anyone came to helping.
As I got a little older keeping it all inside was taking its toll, food became my friend if I was just ugly enough I couldn't be hurt. My parents idea was to send me to a high school youth group because I was so mature. Its kinda funny really. I think I had to be that mature, I always had to take care of things. I was put into adult roles from as far back as I can remember, yea I had to be to just survive. This was about the same time that my father stopped raping me, it was a weird time. Some things are not very clear, there is a lot that I don't know for sure, that I just don't understand. I was so far away from away I was basically a walking zombie doing all the things necessary to put on the face of a normal life but my heart was going to pieces. But in short there was this youth group weekend, that they lied on the paperwork saying I was older than what I was to be able to go. And there I met Don. We danced and he paid attention to me good attention he was kind and gentle. He gave me a nice soft kiss and said he would see me again. A few weeks later he showed up at my house and raped me. I mean this had happened my entire life, it happens you clean up and pretend that everything is OK. Then my parents were presenting on some healing weekend at church. They left early in the morning around 7 I guess. Done breaks in, I am in the shower and he hurts me and he then calls four other men and they all finally leave late that night. My brother was at a friends house, and not once did my parents call to check and make sure that I was OK. All five of those men raped me all day and I was just 13. I could have died that day, I should have died but I didn't.
I know my story is so very hard and complicated and I am so very sorry. Time after time there were things that people could have done to help me and everyone just looked the other way. I was living , I was breathing but inside I was dead, I didn't understand why so much in one life, why didn't anyone help ? Why didn't anyone notice ? I know I hid things pretty well but a child can't hide being raped. I wasn't that good at hiding. After the gang rape when I was falling apart, and a good friend Calvin, said you have to tell me whats going on, something isn't right with you and I told him. For the very first time I told something that had happened to me. We went and talked to the youth group leader. Well her response was that I was lying, I was making it all up for attention . I was the chunky girl with no friends who would want to do that to me . I am not sharing to make you feel bad for me but I want you to understand the difference that you could make !! be aware, know what is going on with your kids, know when something isn't right in the kids around you, know when something isn't right, ask what is wrong why are they crying ? Most kids don't tell but they give you signs. I can say believe, believe believe this doesn't come from nowhere if someone tells you they were hurt they are begging for help not attention. I remember Calvin being so sorry that this happened to me and that was so strange, Rape was my life from the time I was 5 why was he sorry ? Kids need us, they need us to notice and to see. So many people COULD have made such a huge difference for me but the chose the easy way out and looked the other way.
I will never ever choose to look the other way I will chose to make the hard decision each and every time for the sake of the child. I never want any child to grow up the way that I did and I will do everything in my power to make sure they know they are not alone. I am sorry this is long and not an easy read, but if you have gotten this far, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope it makes you think and I hope that if you come upon a child needing your help that you make the right decision and do the right thing, I know its the hard thing but you , yes YOU can change a child's life. You can save them from a lifetime of shame and guilt.
Others who have grown up like me have a battle to fight, but for me when I see someone doing whats right, when I can share and make someone think a little more healing happens. My life isn't over, my life is just starting, and there are still bad days but healing has begun and it might take me until my very last days but I will make it.
This is the story of my life... Be a part of an others life and make the difference. Help a child see the world differently.. Help them see kindness and love....YOU have the power to do that.
This could be your chance to make a difference.....If you can promise to be aware and make a difference please like this page, I will be grateful.
From my still healing heart.....Thank You....Thank You....Thank You
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