Well anyone who reads this knows just how crazy that things are for me there are more unknowns than any one person should ever have but that's how it is. I get used to doing things on my own because that's how it is. I get used to snide comments and looks because that's how it is. I get used to my things being thrown around because that's how it is. I cry and I smile because that's how it is. I keep busy and work so very hard , because that's what I am supposed to do. I hold my children and tell them that I am so very sorry, but everything will be OK because that's what I have to tell them that's what I want them to believe......
Mariska might need surgery, going to her conference might not happen, Scottish Rite next week can they help her achy bones ? The church is falling apart in sand, I need to find a church where my heart fits and that is terrifying , I am struggling in school physical science is H.A.R.D and I am not doing well when I have to, its not an option to fail, I have one math class to take this summer and its hard, really hard, I am supposed to start student teaching in the fall, what about the kids after school, My heart aches over my past, its so much better but its in a different achy place and I want to be done, I don't want it to hurt anymore and am scared that people are going to get very tired of me. I am living in my mothers house and she doesn't want me there and until I get a job there is really nothing i can do about it. So our things are not respected, we are not respected, we are told often just how much room we are taking up and this house that was once ours has become "HERS". SO we just don't belong. I often am running around like a chicken with my head cut off making sure that Vincent and Mariska's stuff is not where it shouldn't be , I am doing all the things that need to get done, laundry, dinner, homework, dishes, animals and she sits with her feet up saying " A woman's work is never done and laughs doing nothing to help me. That is MY world. Fine don't help me but don't rub it in either. And I have to smile and apologize to my children that I am so very sorry and soon as soon as we can we will have our own place. A few friends have had some really big things going on and I want to make it better and I can't. My sister Angela in Boston is having a really hard time and I feel super guilty about that, I want to save her make it all better and again I can't. I want to give some of the best people I know a baby , I want that for them like I need air and I can't. I want cancer to go away and I can't and I say but they are a great family, he is funny and he is a good dad but nothing changes and I want it to. I want people to stop hating others, for whatever reason wouldn't things just be better if we could accept people for who they were ? I am not sure how next semester my last year at UNT is going to be paid for, financial aid is done there is nothing left, I have taken too long to finish school. I am hoping to appeal and get that help but yet a HUGE unknown. There are things beyond words that have no words but.........
I keep smiling, I keep breathing but my spirit, my heart is heavy and the holes are gushing.
After a really rough night in the Callahan house, This morning Vincent decided to call 911. So as we are walking out the door to go to school a police officer is walking to our front door asking if everything is all right... Are we all right ? Well yes in some senses we are all right..... BUT..... I want to say do you have a minute ? I know you don't know me and don't really care but I have some questions I need some advise ? What am I supposed to do about school ? Why am I unlovable to my mother ? Why does she hate me sooo ? Why have my children and i become outsiders in a place that was once ours? What should I be doing ? What am i doing wrong so I can do things different ? What should I do here, what do you think ? I need some input , some ideas, a shoulder even , maybe just maybe ? You know parents are the ones that are supposed to be there no matter what, you are supposed to be able to talk to them and get some input, ask what in the world you are supposed to do !!! Well that is not an option, SO now what ? there is no extended family, no husband. There is my brother but he hears what he wants to hear he makes excuses and shuts you off when he doesn't or can't hear anymore. So I am once again left with me and that's kinda funny being the big chicken that I am, who doesn't have a clue. All of these huge decisions are on my back. There are certain people that are supposed to be there ALL the time and they just aren't. SO I keep walking keep breathing and someday soon really soon I need a break.
This song just fits my heart.
I heart your hearts.
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