As a little kid church was never a good thing. We would all go to church together as one big happy family and pretend that we were the perfect picture of a god loving house. We would walk in front of everyone bringing the wine and communion to the front. I was made to do the music sheets in the front of the whole church which was devastating when all I wanted to do was hide. On the way home there would be many F*** Y**'s by my father, often silence for days and the same abuse that went on and on, but if someone from church came over boy we could all turn it on and pretend that everything was just awesome . We went to this same catholic church from when they were in a storefront until we had our own building in the Colony. We would have the priest over for dinner, my parents were involved in everything but nothing was real nothing was true. I was a witness to everyone talking about everyone , people not liking the priest and I would just watch. I watched the hypocrisy, I watched the evil in people and I didn't understand. I can say that I never really believed in god even as a little kid. The life that I lived God was no where to be found. At 5 I would pray to die every single night so I didn't have to endure my father. At the same time he would read the bible out loud and pretend to be this god loving man. We would all hold hands and pray before bed, and we would always have to ask my father to forgive us, for what I still don't know but it kept the peace at least sometimes. The people that hurt me as a child went to that same church. My father , Albert and later the others from "The Weekend". I would sit there thinking well if this is what god and church is I want nothing to do with it. And God well he wasn't answering my prayers so I figured I was alone in this, this was not something that I wanted to believe in that I knew for sure. As I got older my parents got involved in the charismatic thing and as a kid that's pretty scary, there was speaking in tongues and praying over people, and again I just watched. I can remember having to take confirmation classes and I finally said I don't believe in this, I don't want to go, this doesn't mean anything to me and you would have thought I was going to blow up a building by peoples reactions ! What do you mean well you are going to have to talk to the priest blah blah, I ended up finishing but it didn't mean anything to me. The only thing i got was another name Ruth. As a teen the priest ended up leaving there was a lot of Drama and later I found out he was charged with molesting someone and of coarse the catholic thing to do was just to move him to another parish. That is the church that I grew up in. I didn't believe in God and wanted nothing to do with any of it ever.
But years, many years later I was led to James Wiebe. Which is totally crazy. I was looking for a counselor and his name kept coming up over and over. This guy looked so young I was like yea right he is going to help me, I felt like such a mess, my heart was so sad, and felt so gross and disgusting. I sent him an email and I heard right back, he was kind, there was something different about him and I made an appointment. I am a little OK, a lot weird about directions and finding where I am going. So the day before my appointment I realize that James is in a church ! Me in a church I mean seriously this is not going to work I don't believe in God and this young guy ( Kinda Funny) won't be able to help me, I was a "Case". It was too late to cancel the appointment, so I showed up. I showed up and went to the little building that was next door. I was terrified, scared I was going to get struck by lightning or something I didn't want him to think I thought bad about him but god and religion was just not my thing. I walked into the office and everyone was more than nice , to me they were beyond kind and I was more than shocked I needed kindness so much and they were there giving it to me just because. That very first night there was something different about this place about these people that I had never experienced in my entire life. And I thought OK I will try this a few times and see what happens. James never pushed god or religion. There were a few times it was mentioned but that's just who he was. A few times he would invite me to different things that were going on at the church and I was polite and said really we might have a tornado or lightning bolts may strike if I walk into a church and he would just smile. Then came Christmas and he was in the Christmas play and again he invited me and something inside changed, this time I went. I felt so much love being there, I felt connection, I felt important I felt so many things. And in one of the last scenes as James, who played the angel, which was quite perfect, was walking out he took the time to stop and he waved. He took the time to stop and wave at me. Something so simple that meant so much, I can still see it like it was yesterday. I was noticed in this place and I had not been noticed my entire life. And from then on I went there every Sunday and The Corners became my home. I continued to see James and everyone was so true and so real they did what they said. I would cry to James but these people here are so kind and so true, I never once in my life ever experienced anything like this. I got to meet his Wife Amy and I always say I loved her before I knew her, she just accepted me. In my perfect dork fashion the first thing I ever said to Amy was " I just love James" and she laughed and said yea I kinda love him too. So me and that was ok. People were not fake they were honest and real and so accepting even in my unbelief. I was totally accepted from the first moment with open arms.
There were oh so many changes we sold the building, lots of people left, I helped pack the church, the children's department. We moved to a new place I was there when it was bare walls scrubbing the paint off the windows getting the children's department ready. I was there for it all and I loved oh how I loved the people there, the first time i met Carrie Rogers was scraping the paint off those windows and I remember thinking wow she is so nice too. I had found a home and I was really a part of it, I was in a life group and I wasn't so afraid anymore. I met Carrie and Julie and found friends ha me having friends. Then more changes, more people leaving. I am kinda on the outside watching these changes and thinking that's OK things will be fine, more people that I love leaving, that had showed me such kindness, then Pastor Randy is stepping down and we are looking for a new Pastor. Not much communication anywhere I am feeling further and further away. I am so new to believing in God and still have so many questions I get lost in the shuffle. I long for the place that this church used to be. I know change is a good thing, but I long for it to be the kind of place that it once was. The place that I first walked into almost three years ago.
This is where my heart is so sad, it actually aches and I can't contain the tears. I never imagined I would be in this place and know such amazing people. It will be three years this summer , the most constant in my life ever and it may be time for me to leave. I am so afraid that I am often beyond words. I was really and truly a part of something beautiful and amazing . I was a part of something miraculous. And today I struggle is this is my place anymore ? I found this place by pure accident and yes it was a church and I would have never gone if I knew that but I did go and I found this place. I met the most amazing kind people that will be in my heart forever. I am still in awe of the kindness and love that were shown to me in the beginning from that very first day just because I was who I was. People there treated me like i had never been treated. When I was too gross and disgusting to even look at James, he held my hand and said I was not. When the tears wouldn't stop Carrie came and held me and said I would be OK. When I finally accepted God I got the most amazing Email from Amy and she was so excited for me. When I was doubting and had so many questions Julie bought me a book and was going thru it with me. When I was so sad Carrie W and Christie took me to the Zoo. All those things were experienced in this place with these amazing people and I am so afraid that I am going to loose that. These people have seen my heart and showed me that there is kindness out there. I DO NOT want to loose these people, I never in my entire life have known people like this in a place like this. These people have changed my life, and to think about leaving is heartbreaking. This is the only kind honest place I have ever known. I have seen such truth and light here and I know that will never change, but I wish for things to be like they were , the togetherness the community. Somehow someway I was lead here and I connected to these people ..... Oh I know that everything changes and I have been so flexible, I know nothing stays the same its a fact of life but right now I am not strong enough, it feels like sand seeping through my fingers, the more that I try to hold on the further away things become. I want to push it all away thinking it will be easier to make that final decision and at the same time I long for that connection with people more than anything. At the same time I want so much to be a part, I am pushing it away. I don't fit in this place like i once did. That become so glaringly clear last Saturday.
I went and things were different people were different people were pushed in the background that I love and this is not what I want. I said it before I need soft and gentle not loud and rough. Where I have come from 3 years ago is a million miles away but my heart is still tender its healing but it needs a place like the ranch once was. I love these people so very much I don't have the words, but whatever happens no one can ever take away all that I was given here by these amazing people that I am so grateful for I am not sure what is going to happen but maybe just maybe its time that I go ....
NO matter what happens I want you all to know that I truly heart your heart and you will always be a part of me. Thank you for being my place to belong. I will always LOVE you with all that I am.
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