Today I am 45 and my entire life I was told the story about falling out a window. I was 4 it was a second story window, and I was looking at the ladybugs, and just fell out. I have never questioned one detail, one thing that I was told. Some woman took us to the Hospital, they said the bushes broke my fall, my head was bleeding. I have been told it was a miracle that God was there, I don't believe that but it was part of the the story. It kind of always ended there. I have a picture in my head of the house the window, even the ladybugs but not sure if that was even what it looked like, I see it clearly. I was only 4. How much can a four year old truly remember.
While decorating the Christmas tree a few days ago , an ornament was found and my mother started talking. Oh the one who brought us to the hospital gave you this ornament. Half listening, half ignoring I don't want to hear the story again. But she continues, I made a comment that my father probably pushed me out, being sarcastic, wanting the talking to stop. She got defensive stood up for my father like he was some kind of magnificent standup man. I shrank inside, the tears started, that feeling of insignificance crept in like a tsunami . I just desperately want someone on my side, someone to acknowledge just the kind of man that he was. Someone to acknowledge how I had to experience the world growing up.
So she continues the story this time, with things I have never heard. She mentions that CPS was called, and more excuses and words that don't make sense. CPS was called for me? Enough concern was shown and one of the Dr's must have called them right ? Do you know what that means for me ? A girl who was looked over and ignored much of her childhood ? That means that all those years ago someone did something, all those years ago with out knowing anything, without knowing the hell that I lived someone noticed and said something. Someone cared enough to do the right thing. Even though nothing came of it, questions were asked someone saw me. For that I will forever be grateful.
Here is my thank you to them.
To you who noticed,
Today I heard of you for the first time and it made my heart full. You see I was just a sad lonely little girl who showed up in the emergency room because I had fallen out of a two story window. My little life was full of violence and danger, that you knew nothing about. I was never seen and always overlooked, I was quiet and observant. I noticed everything. I loved animals and just wanted someone to care, someone to see me. I can not tell you what happened that day that I fell out of the window, I have heard I was looking at ladybugs. Now as an adult and a mom there are so many questions, that I just don't have an answer for. I can not tell you, where my father was or my mother for that matter. I think I remember the window and the street but then again I was only 4. I would not be surprised if I was looking at ladybugs, I was jealous because they had wings to fly away and go wherever they wanted. I guess none of that matters. I was told the story of falling out of the window, and not once was CPS mentioned until just a few days ago and I think my heart grew, the tears flowed and I was grateful. You see I was in my early twenties before I was seen, and heard and acknowledged. I had always asked the question why didn't anyone say anything do anything, notice anything and to hear that a DR. did have questions and called CPS to check things out that means someone cared. That means that you were the first, that someone cared that someone saw me and wanted to make sure that I was ok. I am sure that I didn't have the words to tell you hat was happening in my little life. I am sure that the answers and excuses that were given to your questions were innocently answered. I know that nothing occurred out of your concern. Today as a 45 year old women knowing that someone gave a damn, is everything amazing and I am truly truly grateful. Knowing that an adult in my life did their job, did the things that they were supposed too means more to me than I could ever express in words. The gratefulness that I have for you is now quietly rolling down my face . You were the first, you were the one that did the right thing. You knowing nothing of my little life, at least asked questions, and noticed. I wish I could just hug your neck and ask you all the questions that I have, why were you called what did I say what did you think ? So many questions I would have for you, but mostly I would hold on and cry because what you did all those many many years ago has an impact to this very day and from the very bottom of my sad heart I am beyond grateful. You made a difference then and will continue to make a difference for me. No one can ever take away the fact that regardless of what anyone did or didn't do you saw me, you were there to make sure I was ok and that is something that will forever be a part of me. You saw me, you saw me in a world where I truly thought I was forgotten, worthless and a bother. I will forever hold you close, oh so close, my only hope is that somehow this will go out in the world and you feel even a small amount of my gratitude, appreciation and thankfulness as a little whisper, maybe even a little lady bug that makes you stop and take a breathe and notice how amazing that small moments can be. Grateful Grateful, Grateful . I heart your heart.
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