My eyes are raining ; The dark tunnel to 5

 Yes me again. I feel like its been a very long time since I have been able to write. I am hoping that this week, there will be some time for me and I can write and feel and get the feelings that have been smiled through out and on a page.  There are times I talk about this sad, that is a sadder than sad feeling and really I don't have a clue what to do with it.  It's difficult because I can't pin point it, I can not say this is exactly why I am sad its an overwhelming encompassing kind of sad that takes over. 

This week has not been what I had planned, there were oh so many frustrating moments and moments that I feel I could not do anything about. Moments I wanted to curl up in a ball; moments I wanted someone to tell me that everything was going to be ok and just for a moment or two I want to believe it.  I just need to get out of this sad and I am not sure how exactly to do that.  I know writing my journals but there doesn't seem time for that , or enough privacy . It seems that each and every detail of my past is weighing on my soul lately , its a soul sad right now.  Something so deep and so heavy I don't know how to reach out to let some of it go.  The heaviness of so many things past, that run through my mind, and my body. Sometimes its scary because literally my skin hurts, and I feel things no person should have to feel.  It's a burden that I am not sure I can get away from, that is more than heartbreaking.

A few weeks ago I was asked if there was a time that I felt empty or dead inside.  That was a loaded question, that I didn't expect.  That is a feeling that I don't want to admit to, even acknowledge. How can a person feel that when there are so many good things.  But there are a lot of times when empty is totally there.  I think that there is a part of me that is as close to death as a person can be and still actually be breathing.  I think that is where the blackness is, that is where that deepest sad has grown roots.  That is where that deepest sad is, that place that can't be loved can't be important or cherished.  That place of darkness is so empty.  Its a soul ache that never stops, there is a knowing that there are pieces of my life, in my head that seem more than untouchable.  Its that knife wound that remove the sword and the pain is still there, even the thought is like being stabbed all over again .  They say you've already survived, but this darkness makes you feel like you won't, and there is worse to come.  

    

I don't remember much before 5, I have pictures.  Oh yes there are pictures. I never remember a time when I wasn't afraid of him. I never remember a time when I felt loved just because.  That empty and dead feeling is so deep because as much as all those little things like the tadpoles, and the little bird in the water and the clouds and the trees in the breeze, those things were awesome and amazing but I knew that another disastrously terrible moment was never far behind.  I hate so much all the things that I do remember, and its terrifying that one of the first feelings you remember is resignation ;  this is just what happens to me.  I never remember anything different, it was always there before love before acceptance before any thought of being special there was just a resignation of the terrible awful unimaginable things that happened.  There is pieces of this puzzle that started out so dark there was never rainbows, and unicorns those were the things for worthy girls, those are the things for girls that are pretty , those are things for good girls; NOT FOR ME .  I was made to keep quiet and just do what I was told no matter the cost. I had to do what each person wanted whenever they wanted.  There was , is a feeling sometimes that I was born to be used hurt and left.  I was born to meet my fathers every need. Even the things I can't bare to remember they have all left a very empty almost dead place, that I worry will never lessen. A place where that deepest sadness comes so very close to giving up, that place where hopelessness settles in.  I fear that place; I never ever want to give up and there are pieces that totally want to. I just so need love and care and gentleness and its a fight between wanting them and knowing they are not meant for you, I am to hard to love.