The Summer I wasn't coming home

 

That Summer was culmination of so many things that had happened that year.  I was dying inside and nothing really mattered.  I was 13 and didn't want to live anymore.  Just 13 so young with so many things on my shoulders.  I didn't have a plan to die, and jumping over the balcony seemed like a long shot, but I knew that I was done. I couldn't be hurt anymore, I didn't want to be ignored and blamed.  Looking back there there were so many things that kept me alive that week in Florida and I did go home.  

It had been a hellish year,  Don showed up ,I was shocked to see him at my door. He was no longer the nice guy that I met on that church weekend.  He was another evil doer in my so short life.  He made his way in and I was raped by him for the first time.  As everything in my life, you just keep moving I mean these are the things that happen to me, these are the things that I am good for.  I think what made it worse was that I kind of had a crush on him he smelled good, I thought he was cute.  I danced with him and kissed him that weekend.  I never imagined he would show up and do what he did. But that was my life, that was just what happens to me.  I never said a word to anyone. 

A few months later my parents were gone, they were doing a healing weekend at church; I was left home alone all weekend.  I knew it was going to be a long weekend but I was used to being left alone when they did these weekends.  I would listen to my music and watch TV.  I lived in my own world, and at least if no one was around I was safe.  So I was up early and got in the shower.  I had my boom box loud and was singing, but my music was shut off.  I looked and Don was standing there in the bathroom he had shut my music off.  I froze, I was terrified, there was a part of me that didn't understand why he was in the bathroom.  He had this smirk, and he got in the shower.  I still see it like an outsider. I was outside the shower watching, terrified.  He turned the water so hot, and pushed me against the cold shower wall and raped me,  that was the first of many that day.  He just got out of the shower and turned off the water when he was done.  I was left laying on the shower floor.  I think I was waiting to make sure that he was gone, I reached for a towel to find that he was still in the bathroom.  There are pieces of memory, him laughing he had no intention of leaving any time soon.  There were more rapes and he took me out of the bathroom and threw me on my parents bed.  That water bed the same bed that my father would abuse me on.  He did things that I didn't know could happen that were so shameful and embarrassing. I wasn't sure I was going to make it through this day.  Things often turned to black, I was couldn't even comprehend all that was happening to me.  And I remember him sitting in my parents chair, and talking to someone on the phone saying that I was a fighter and to come on over.  I was so in and out, I am not sure I understood , I just would hope that after every rape this was going to be the last one and he would leave. But him and his friends didn't leave until late that night.  It was as close to death I have ever been and still had breadth in my body .  That is a place that is unimaginable. 

I came to and there were 4 more men in the room. I didn't have a chance.  

I sit here and still don't believe I survived, death would have been a better option. I sit here remembering and I see it like it was yesterday, yet I am so very far away. So all day into the night they all took turns, one of them was at least human and helped when he could.  He wasn't as mean as the others and took care of me when he got the chance. I think Andy was the reason I survived, at least when things were the most violent he would make them stop. He saw me as a human and that made the difference.  So that is how the day went.  There were times I tried to get away, even making it down the hall but I was helpless against the 5 of them. Physically there was nothing left, emotionally I wasn't even there anymore.  I held on to the hope once again that if I can make it through one more rape they will all be done and leave.  I held on and finally late into the night they all left, the last one Don spitting on me before he left. I was nothing. 

I was a shell of a human, completely humiliated and barely breathing.  I was a fixer, the clean up specialist and I did what I had to do and I went to bed, knowing that my parents would be home from their church meeting. I never said a word.  I was a mess, I remember that even the sheets hurt my skin. Every inch was in the most unbelievable pain.  I just said I didn't feel good and stayed in bed for a few days.  I think there are pieces that have no words and this is one.  This is just what happens to me.  

A short time later, once again my parents were gone, there was a knock on the door.  I should have known better.  I opened the door it was don.  I was still physically injured from the gang rape and I saw him and started to cry.  I knew what we was going to do, he as always had that smirk on his face. I undid my pants and laid down right there in the entry way.  I knew what he was going to do and I knew that there was no fight left.  I went far away, he got what he wanted.  I am not sure how to say this really but this was an easy rape, He didn't know what to do I didn't fight I didn't do anything, I just laid there.  I guess it was as easy as it could be he raped me and left.  The guilt I felt was unbelievable, that I didn't fight, I didn't yell I didn't say a word I just gave him access and that will always break my heart. 

I was barely living, my heart was broken my body was black and blue for a long time, physically I wasn't ok.  Emotionally I wasn't ok. The nightmares were unthinkable, school was impossible I failed 4 classes that grading period, I was called to the counselor 's office. They asked if my parents were together, I said yes and they told me to work harder on my grades.  I started getting sick , this is where things get blurry.  Things seem to be in the most pieces during this time; I was going to have a baby. I was pregnant.  I was going to be a mom and make sure that my baby was going to be safe and I was going to love that baby how I always wanted to be loved.  That seemed to be a light for me and nothing else mattered.  I still hate that I lived in this fairy tale world where we were going to live happily ever after , I was 13 years old, living under the same roof as another monster !! 

There are so many smaller parts and pieces people that didn't do their job. People that didn't notice.  I was left to figure things out.  One moment that sticks out is feeling her move.  Those little kicks, its just magnificent , feeling that little life was all that mattered. The thought about how she was conceived wasn't a thought but I wished her father was Andy at least he was human, as least he wasn't evil.  Then just like that things went terrible.  I started cramping and was bleeding really bad, I called Calvin.  Again my memory fails I remember him carrying me, and then I remember the emergency room.  I remember everything feeling as if it were in slow motion and everything was white white.  The Dr. came over to me, and he put his hand on my leg and said I am sorry you have lost her.  I remember crying like I never have and begging him that it wasn't true, that I was fine. I begged him to tell me beautiful Bella was ok. There were a few people standing around, I don't know who they were.  I remember being carried by Calvin and that one Dr. 

A part of me died. I don't know what happened next, I don't know what was done.  I don't really know anything.  And I kept dying nothing else mattered anymore.  I didn't care about anything.  And still I had to keep going to school, keep smiling keep going to youth group as the liar, that just wanted attention. There was no care for my heart and soul; my little broken body.

There was nothing left to live for. My heart was broken and I lived in this world that no one understood, my life was full of things I couldn't even talk about.   A few months later my grandmother wanted to take me to Daytona Beach. This was my chance to go away and never come back.  I didn't know how, but I was done. I didn't have any kind of plan, but this trip was a way for me to make all the hurting stop. This trip was the out that I needed in this life.  My heart was literally broken, and there was no one to hear or to share it with.  I was literally dying inside.  Sorry for this  rant, I guess all of that were the reasons I didn't want to come home. I always feel so guilty talking about this time, sometimes there is this incredible need to get it out and I feel incredibly guilty.  Sometimes it wants to burst out, because I just can't carry that awful gross and disgusting that I feel. This was the reason I didn't want to come home, because what I was carrying was far to heavy for such a little girl. I didn't want to hurt anymore, I didn't want to be sad, I wanted the ache in my heart to just stop.  I needed time to catch my breathe, I needed someone to care and for once see me.  The animals saw me,  and I made it .  I caught my breathe and made it that Summer.

So I went to Florida with a wanting and came home with some passion and a second chance.

The first morning there I woke up to the sound of the ocean, and seeing dolphins in the distance.  I think it was the first time I felt something other than devastation.  I can remember thinking that I could just jump off the balcony but being on the 20 something floor, that was not an option.  And after that first morning, the tears began to flow and I am quite sure they lasted most of the trip.  The second morning I woke up to this pelican on my balcony.  I was a little shocked, but me being the person I am started a conversation with the bird, and he didn't fly away he was a comfort actually.  And I talked and talked to him and cried.  It was such a release, and he may have been just a bird but I felt listened to for the first time in a long time.  He heard the horrors of  that year, and stayed. The next morning, he came back and each morning after.  I believe that bird saved me that Summer.  He just listened, sat there the waves crashing below us . I was more than grateful for that pelican, there was a connection that I am not sure I will ever understand.  One of those days we went to Sea World.  I hate even writing that,  I would never ever go there but that day, I felt alive again and I hadn't felt that way in some time. We did a behind the scenes tour.  And of coarse they save the orca's for last.  And there she was right there,  they instructed everyone to stay behind the line but she was right there!!  So I stepped over and so gently I placed my hand on her nose,  there was a connection if even for a few seconds,  I must sound crazy, I felt more alive and that being alive mattered.  Of coarse staff jumped in and told me to step back I didn't care and she kept eye contact as tears rolled down my face.  I had gone to Florida to never come home, but what I got there gave me a sliver of hope in the world around me.  It was that lone whale, and that huge pelican that saved me , I truly believe that.  There was no taking back all that occurred over the last year; but with all that was lost there was that little hope that little wish that things would be ok. I had to go back to my freshman year of high school.  Things were never easy, but I came to rely on whales to get me through and somehow I survived. Whales were everything, their family structure how they took care of each other became almost an obsession, that made me believe in something again when I had lost everything. Whales are still a comfort and cover so many places in my home. Pelicans still make my heart smile as I remember that bird sitting with me listening to my story and never leaving . So yes it was always animals.  After being treated less than human, and hurt so viscously  it was the animals that saved me.  It was always the animals.  

I Heart your Heart