Just doesn't work anymore

 This one is hard. It makes me cry; the ugly kind of cry. Even the mere mention and it literally breaks my heart. This is one of  those things that isn't easily spoken and there is such shame and hatred for doing something like this just to make things better, make them hurt less. Literally this made everything go away for even a short time, and I was more than grateful.  It was the chips that took away the gnawing in my soul, at least for a time.  Chips somehow made everything disappear , the feelings, the thoughts even sometimes the physical pain. I can remember the first time realizing what it was that I was doing, that I was eating just to not have to feel.  I was sitting beside the orange chair that was in my parents bedroom. The one that Don had sat in.  The one where the phone call was made calling the others. The bedroom where so much innocence was taken.

They were these cheesy nacho  tortilla things,  and I was smart enough to put them in a container because then you didn't hear the sound of the bag.  And I sat there beside the chair under the window and I was eating them as fast as I could. I was in my own little world and for that time my world didn't hurt.   I remember our foreign exchange student, Oliver walking in and saying hello.  I sat up trying to be normal and I asked him if he wanted any.  He made some snarky remark and  he said no, that he would rather an apple.  I felt awful, like I was doing something terribly wrong, ashamed to be sitting there, ashamed that I was so happy sitting there eating them .  And I can remember thinking an apple isn't going to take away all that is wrong inside of me.  An apple isn't going to ease the ache in my bones, the strain in my hips or the lack of restful sleep. An apple won't take away the pain inside  that seems endless when even walking is painful.  

This is so brand new, and something I have  never ever spoken of ever.  I think now its becoming an issue because it just doesn't work like it once did.  Now I eat chips and I get so angry that what once made everything all better now is just a reminder that there is nothing that is going to take it away.  There is nothing to ease the ache; to stop feeling the weight of every trauma under my skin and through each and every cell.  There is nothing that takes that kind of pain away.  I have always hated being in my own skin, being a girl, having to do the things that I did.  The things that I had to learn to do. The things I had to learn to do better  to make things easier on myself.  How do I even write that, how am I worthy after that ? How did I as a little girl learn to do things that I should have never even known what they were in the first place.  I see those things, in pictures, in memories, I even sometimes feel like its happening and there is nothing worthy there. I can not find an ounce of worth in any of the gross and disgusting, and lately that feels devastating.  It took me so long to come to want little Callahan around.  To understand that she was this innocent little kid.  Yes somewhere that changed, yes she was innocent but I don't see that thirteen year old like that. I don't see her as a little girl.  I see the jobs she did, I see what was done to her, I see ways in which she reacted and she is disgusting. I hate her. 

Eating something crunchy was a way to forget , to forget what he did. I don't totally understood how it worked, but that was my out if for a short time. Sometimes there were things that seemed worse than the rapes.  At least with being raped I found it easier to go away someplace far far away.  I was not meant to serve his every need , though I didn't have a choice.  So I would sit and hide and hope that this time the chips would make everything ok and I could just forget the things that he did.  

I sit here and my fingers are refusing to move the weight of this is immense. Literally my heart feels like its in a vise and what is left is draining. Its a dead kind of heavy that hurts. My chest  is pained and there is no way around this other than through it.  But I don't want to, this deep dark secret that kept me alive. I have trouble seeing the worth in a girl hiding behind a chair eating a container of chips. I struggle finding worth in a girl learning to do things different to make things easier. I struggle with the worth because of the things that I did, the things that I knew. There were so many times I literally gave up because I knew it was going to get taken whether I wanted to or not.  I struggle forgiving myself for that. 

Chips was my way of coping and I am feeling kind of lost because that just isn't working anymore.  Now it seems so simple eating some chips to make all the evil in the world go away, today, that just isn't working.  I feel so stuck because the feelings are so big, and I can not find the love for that little girl that was so alone.  SO I guess its out and maybe just maybe the load will lessen. I guess they say that the more you shine the light on something it looses its power right ?  It feels selfish and stupid sharing, , I just can not keep it inside, I have never told this to anyone and I can't let it keep hurting my heart.  

So what does a girl do when the things that used to work to make things go away to make them better doesn't work anymore ?  That is a very scary place to be, and I think that is part of the reason why I feel like I am on permanent not ok MODE. Like I want to scream how not ok that I am and at the same time the world keeps spinning and all I want it to do is stop until I can catch up. Someday, Someday, just maybe I can catch up. 

I heart your heart.