I was standing in the kitchen then this. It made me want to cry, Scream even. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of the pretending and smiling and feeling like there is something terribly inherently wrong with me. But yet, that is exactly what I do. I smile, I get up every single day and do all that is expected. I keep going keep fighting because that is all I have ever done. I am glad that I fight, I am also tired.
This is the place that I am in. I don't know how to get out of this stuck place. I feel weak, and sad. I feel discouraged , irrelevant and helpless. I can't see the other side of whatever this is. I feel worthless in a way and that is a feeing that I have struggled and fought with my entire life. I am questioned as a parent and someone that said they were here as a support for me is everything but. My decision as a single parent is questioned and I get the shoulder shrug, not the disrespectful, rude almost 17 year old and I do not understand that. I will never understand really.
I am ok because I have to be and I am trying really hard for everyone to believe just that. Inside I am screaming and so angry that I am even beyond tears. I would like to understand this alone feeling. I had people reach out and make sure I was ok during that crazy artic blast I had people reach out, offer their warm homes, their fireplaces, even their showers; those things were so extremely kind and yet this feeling of aloneness is extreme. In this world its me, and I don't know how to do things different. It's always been just me from the time I was 5, and today at almost 46 that is what I know and I don't want it to be like that anymore. I need people , how awful is that. That is a feeling that feels disgusting to me. I want and need people and that scares the shit our of me.
It was a beautiful day outside , So I had Mariska get my book and we were going to sit out back and enjoy this almost 80 degree weather. Then Vincent comes out, and is just negative. Then my mother comes out. I just needed some time to be me, to be with nature, to feel the breeze and look at the trees. I need that and I don't get it in my own house.
Vincent argued all night no matter what. He was defiant and obnoxious. Even walked out of the house is one night a week to stay home too much to ask for ? He doesn't care, I don't know what to do and there is no support for my choices and decisions. I looked at him tonight and I saw Charles and it scared the life out of me. His build his muscles, how he was standing his lack of respect, and not hearing me. That is my son that I love more than anything and I literally don't have a clue what to do those feelings. His chest, his muscles, oh my heart. NO one should ever have to deal with things like this. Unimaginable.
I am in a place that I am not going to do things different to make others happy. I need to be me. I need to have my things in their place. I need to have things tidy and neat. I need , see there is it again....I need..... I need .......my only thought what a needy Bitch. That hurts my heart. I need so much right now and it feels very far away. Even the last few weeks I find myself not wanting to come home, to my beautiful home and that is a place that no one should be in.
I am more than trying to smile to be happy to be ok because that is what is expected. I promise you I am so not fine and I can't even tell you all the ways that I am not.
I heart your heart
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