Vulnerable

 

What a week it has been. I am overwhelmed , grateful and Indebted to people who don't give up on me. I know I am not an easy friend. I feel like I am one of those people that something is always wrong. I try so hard to smile and be fine. But there are also days when the weight that's in my heart becomes to heavy to hide. I am sure it started on super bowl Sunday , not a day with good memories and it just breaks my heart; and it has just continued. First it was that stupid game then it was Valentines, then a week of being home because of ice snow and freezing temperatures.

Here are the things that have mattered that are forever's, that keep me strong.  That keep me with this crazy warrior heart that never ever fucking gives up even when I am sure that I want to.  

If you are here, your name, your heart, how you reached out to me; know I more than consider you a forever; so be gentle with my heart. I don't break but I bruise easily and know how very very grateful that I am. 

It started last week with Valentines day really. This is one of those holidays I can't ruin for others so I am silent and wait for the day to end.  I hate this holiday more than you can know.  And yet my friend Valerie, she was the director of my documentary, sent me a text first thing Saying happy valentines day and hoped I was well.  That meant the world and made the day that much more bearable. She is a forever even before I met her in person and that is something truly special.   Again a few days later thrilled to hear from Valerie again, she was making sure that the kids and I are ok , and safe from the artic blast.  Those are the things that mean the world when you don't have a tribe or people that are all yours. Then to have someone reach out and make sure your good.  Just my heart.  Again a few das later she reached out again, she made me cry because she is just that special to me.  Then I hear from Neil  , he co produced the documentary. He is something truly incredible, I have never in my life known that kind of gentle kindness and the only time that I have said I want a dad like that.  This was part of his email. 

You should know by now that we will always consider you and your family to be near and dear to us.  Guess you’re stuck with us!

Let us know how you’re doing.  Stay safe.

Neil

That.  That is a forever.  And for once in my life its not just me.  There have been plenty of times, I call people forever's and yet its just that one sided, and how those sting . But with Neil and Val they are forever's. I am theirs and thy are mine that is such a rarity and that , that is a reason to keep fighting. 

Then I was like really done.  I was tired of boiling water, tired of being cold, tired of melting snow to flush the toilet.  Exhaustion had set in , I posted a Facebook post ,  I didn't ant anyone to answer or respond it was just a fact that things were not good.  And I had people with snow experience offer to come pick me up and take me to their house to have a shower and warm up.  Like for me they offered that for me...... that is mind blowing.  More tears, that I wasn't alone that someone saw and heard me.  That is forever.  Someone offering to care for me.....I have not known much of that. 

The ones who stuck their head in my room and said Hello, the ones who offered to help with my car. Like they said you know you can always ask me for help.  That, so much that.  Those are the things that are forever that I will never ever take for granted. Wednesday when another forever showed up for me,  hearing him coming knowing that who I was in that moment was ok, that the tears were ok, that my heart was going to be cared for; that is a feeling I want to hold. 

Then tonight.  One of my favorites sends me this. After a hellish day, my brother shows up then , its just Drama and hurt.  This is a forever.  

So in these hellish last few weeks these forever's that I have, have made such a difference and I don't know what in the world that I would do with out them. 

I hope that they all know how very grateful that I am and even though this heart of mine is more than heavy right now, its a time and I am going to keep fighting and I will be ok.  Who wouldn't be ok with people like this around you.  I truly love you guys. 

I feel so all alone in this world, then look at all those people that reached out that show up for me, what right do I have to stop fighting when there are people on my side. Truly Truly Grateful.

I heart your heart.