Desperate Aching Wonder

I heard these words in a song the other day and it made me cry. Washington DC was more than amazing more than I ever imagined that I would get to be a part of something so amazing. Something that would give me a voice and my heart is sad. There is a huge piece of my heart that is still there with those amazing people that listened to me ;heard me and cared for my heart. They had an understanding of me and I didn't even have to explain!!!! For someone like me that is more than a miracle. I was understood there, and that is something huge. I wonder if I will really truly be able to make a difference. It's a desperate Aching Wonder, because for me there is a drive to make a difference to make people understand. I want so much for others to understand how people like me see the world, and experience life. People were listening and hearing me there; will they listen to me here ? Will my voice be heard and acknowledged ? Desperate aching wonder yes, yes that is it. I am desperate for my aching heart that I will find a place where I belong where I am understood where I am looked at with kindness and not whoa! That girl is all kinds of crazy. And people don't say it out loud but I feel it, I know and they move away and I think that I have done something terribly wrong. But that’s just me. That’s just them. I see the world different and its hard for others to take the time to understand. I want so much more from myself and from others. I don't want special treatment , I want understanding, I was patience, I want someone to sit with me and let me cry then laugh with me, when its all over. People don't even have to sit with me just let me cry and soon I will be all-right. This trip was a new beginning for me and there are once again so many unknowns. I had a voice and I am terribly afraid of loosing it. I am afraid that here I am going to loose it, my voice is going to fade and once again I will be silent. That fear is incredibly huge. I have had a taste of the freedom that comes with having a voice, of people who look at you and see past the trauma, past even the tears and see the fighter that I have been my entire life. There are a few people like that in different states and I need more of that. I don't want people to see me and think oh poor thing, I want people to say I am so very sorry that happened what can I do. How can I help, what can I do to make a difference. No matter how loud that my voice gets, I can not change things for me, the things that have happened to me are there for life, I have hope that the pain will lessen, that happens with the right people but I will never make those pictures in my head totally go away. But I have the power to make things different for others and I will not stop, as huge as a task as that is, I WILL NOT STOP. I can't , I couldn't stop if I tried.

And again I am starting with a new counselor, he is a genuine good guy, born in Boston went to Yale. He knows his stuff, he is laid back and kind, I don't scare him at least not yet, and that is a good thing, I really think that he is going to help me in these next steps of my journey. Its time that I figure out these last pieces, that I really work on me as a person not just the person I was but the woman that I want to be today. When I am around these people, these people that care and understand and hear me truly hear me ;I see different parts of me come out that I like, that isn't so weighed down by all the things that have happened. There are some things that I will always do different, but I have to find a way to do things that fit with the person I want to be today and not the person that I was. Gosh, I do hope that this makes sense. It was my last day in DC and Valerie asked what do you want for you, and the question took me by surprise. I am not sure. I want my own place, my own home for my children. I know that I want my own classroom I want a full time Job in a class with my own kids, but for me just me ? I want to belong somewhere, I want to fit in somewhere. My new counselor asked what about a relationship is that something that I want ? And I don't know, part of me can't ever imagine someone loving me like that. And another part says Yes, Yes, Yes I do want that someday. I want to be special to someone, I want there to be a guy out there that loves all the crazy little things about me and can laugh when I say save the whales, and will help that single mom whose little one needs a friend, and who can listen to my heart and hold it so gentle knowing its one of those days and tomorrow will be better. I want those things for myself. I want to be skinny again. And that scares the absolute shit out of me I can't even tell you. In my head being skinny means being hurt and I can never be hurt like I have been ever again. I would not make it, I would not. In my head I know how very crazy that is, but its going to take my heart some time to catch up, being skinny doesn't mean I will be hurt but my mind has made that connection and I have to break it and make new connections. You have no idea how hard that , this is. Food was my friend, people were never there, food was. People said I was beautiful, well then lets just eat a little more so I won't be beautiful and I won't be hurt. Yea, just the tip of the iceberg on this one. There is so much that is intertwined, that I have to pick apart. Its about being comfortable in my own skin, its about being present in my own body and I can tell you close to 90% of the time I am not. Yes, lots of things to work on. There are still parts of me that feel like that little kid that is scared to death of EVERYTHING. There are things that I do reactions that I have to things that come directly from the five year old that had to grow up too fast. There was no fun, no just do something because you feel like it. I have to learn to have fun for me, and I don't even know what that looks like. I have to look at and figure out what it is that I want and go for it. And finding my voice is a big part of that. I know that no matter what relationship that I am in, or what size that I am or what friends that I have I will always still be crazy Sherri past and all and that has to be ok for me. I can't hate on the person that I was that I have been, I survived, I survived oh so much and there are reasons why I do the things that I do. But its also time to do things different. Figure out where I need to go from here, how can I grow, change and become that woman that I so want to be but am scared to death to find. She is under the weight, under the trauma, under the thoughts of what every one always said that I was, What am I ? Who am I? What in the world do I want for myself ? So its with Desperate aching Wonder that I am about to start a new journey and figure it all out. I can guarantee its going to be rocky, there are going to be good days and I am sure not so great days, but I am sure that each day I will be further than I was the day before and in the end someone is going to emerge and those special people that get me even today will go, "oh there she is we always knew she was in there". And they will give me a hug. Yes, that is the moment that I am most looking forward too.

I heart your heart.