An import from a long time ago. June 22,2012. Kind of cool when you write then find it again years later. Another wish in this crazy life of mine, maybe someday, MAYBE.
Well lately its been on my mind. Marriage, dating, is this something i want , am i sure ? what if my heart gets broken, would he make a good dad . can I trust someone enough with my heart ? With my children ?what if what if..... I have never really allowed myself to even think about the possibility that I could love someone that much to Marry them but more than that; that anyone could ever love me, like me like that. Today I thought about it even more There was this really cute guy his name was Bradley, he is always smiling, very friendly he has kind eyes and today when we were in the grocery store we got the crazy check out lady and she started talking about Marco Polo and I just listen and smile and she calls over Bradley and started asking him if he knows who he is and he went into that he was an explorer and where he went and things he did but ME I didn't hear a word about Marco Polo and the lady said oh he was like Jacques Cousteau and we (Bradley and I) kind of looked at each other he was like no not really, I am just standing there and I think wow, he is kind of cute like he was totally entertaining the crazy checkout lady ,he was kindly interacting with my kids , I don't know there was just something that made me smile and think maybe could somebody like that love me some day ??
I mean my entire life people said I was one thing then hurt me so I think well fine if I just get ugly then I won't be hurt and people will go away. And for a time that worked, for a time it kept people away and I guess my goal was accomplished. Then I thought you know I don't want to be ugly lost over 120 pounds and was scared to death. I can remember wearing one of my favorite shirts in Hastings and a guy commented on it and I had such an attitude like how dare he look at me how dare he notice. I was polite of coarse but my insides were screaming at him for noticing me. I loved being skinny, I loved being in my own skin for me but I hated people noticing me . There was this guy in one of my psych classes that held doors open for me, that smiled at save the whales all over my paper, I am kind of crazy about getting to my classes on time and he would get there the same time I did! and I would never go out with him, there was Scott who was amazing and so kind, he stood up for me, oh my goodness we would laugh so hard together, we liked some of the same things and yet I was so afraid. There was Yan from Germany, that was AMAZING, I even still have the little monkey from the drink that he bought me. He still brings a smile to my face. One night we were standing in this movie thing kind of like the Omni theatre and I got dizzy and grabbed his arm, and I let go as soon as I did. But he smiled and looked at me with those blue eyes and said its ok you know, i don't bite. And I can remember every second to holding on to his arm, to his smell. He was just there just kind, and I want to give myself the chance to find that.
My entire life i have always just wanted to fade into the background, not making any waves not being a pest not bothering people. But what if I don't want to just fade in anymore what if I don't want to be ugly anymore....... I am at a place where i have true honest friends that I have to say are amazing and things they say about me are sometimes quite overwhelming, who am i to stand out to make a difference who am I for people to notice. Ugly has been my safety only really it wasn't and I am scared to let it go.
All the firsts that I have never had in life maybe its time to jump in, do what feels right for me and see what happens. I am not expecting to find prince charming tomorrow ,though some friends of mine have some pretty amazing stories, or snap my fingers and be skinny again, but I want to love someone and I want to be loved, I want to be special I want the fairy tale I want good things for me. Last night a friend of mine sang in this little coffee shop, which I thought was quite cool, she was amazing. I was watching all the couples around me and my brain doesn't stop like what if someday I could be like one of them, what if someday I could have that special person sitting next to me, what if someday Julie sang at my wedding.... Seriously I have never ever had these thoughts ... I want someone in my life ....I don't want to grow old alone......
I found this perfect little saying that kind of says it all.
He held her like a seashell, And listened to her heart .
this is exactly what I want, maybe just maybe someday, because I am ready .
OK well maybe not so ready but maybe someday, just maybe.
This is crazy I wrote this in 2012! Sometimes I think I am so ready to move on, so ready to be a normal person and then at the same time I read this and go HELLO there is no way in hell you are ready for a relationship and don't even think about Marriage, I mean seriously that is one thing that is back in the depths of my brain that is so far out in left field, its more of a joke to me. And in the same breath I want a good guy. I know I am crazy, Imagine that. Maybe someday I just don't know when that is. I want a good guy, not someone to fix me but someone who will be ok with my bad days and not hate me or think I am this awful terrible person. I don't want to grow old alone and at the same time I don't have a clue how I am supposed to get to where I will let someone in either. I have always been ugly and didn't like it when I wasn't I take that back. I liked it for me, but I hated the attention. I am not ready for that part at all. I don't want someone all over me and giving me compliments I want someone who will laugh with me and cry with me and do life, doing what we do. That is what I want. I want him to be kind and helpful and I want someone who notices the little things and makes a difference for people. I want someone who is gentle and funny and compassionate. Ok maybe I do want all these things and sooner than later , YES I would love that, but I am not ready. There are pieces of me that I still have to figure out. There are pieces of me that are no where ready, that 5 year old cowering in the corner yea we need to have her grow up to be ready for any kind of a relationship. Maybe someday maybe. So lets re-read this again in another 5 years and see where I am then. Hopefully better than I am today and maybe ready for that perfect person just for me.
I heart your heart
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