Amazingly Brave

So the word is Brave, that was my homework to look the word up and to do some research on the word.  When I think brave I think running into a building to save someone, I think firemen and police.  I think someone doing something that I wonder if I would be able to do.  Yesterday I had a training for work about trauma informed care and about their little minds and things that we can do as teachers.  It was really really good and I think look at the impact that this can make for children trauma can literally change their physiology.  So its not all in the mind its not just something from the outside there are literally changes in the brain that make so many things that much more difficult.

And for me I think there were so many red flags.  I couldn't even read until third grade,  School was always more than hard,  even college I loved it but I had to work really really hard.  The crowds the triggers the boys the groups of men that all reminders made things exceptionally hard. Being in that class a lot of things made sense and it is more than amazing that I was able to make it through school, that I was able to make it through college and get my degree.  That is pretty amazing.  And my first semester at school going through the justice system that is either pretty stupid or pretty brave. Maybe even it was a little of both.

 It's amazing to me that I  have for the most part been able to outwardly contain all that was going on inside.  Like no wonder there is a little 5 year old in the corner scared to death of everyone and everything, because for her entire life she had to be. People are not kind, they are not here to help and they will end up leaving you or hurting you.  She had to hide she had to be quiet she had to learn things quickly or risk even more pain and embarrassment .   Yes; now its not a good thing, and many of those things that have kept me sane that have kept me together just don't work anymore.  I am in a much different place and it still makes me more than angry that I hold on so tight to all the things that have happened to me like some goblin keeping their jewels safe.  Because holding on so tight keeping things quiet and smiling through it all has kept me alive, has gotten me through school and college and literally gotten me thru life in general but at this point all those things that kept me alive that allowed me to smile are not helping me at all.  There is no need to keep that little 5 year old safe,  even though that thought is burnt in my brain like the need to breathe. At all costs just keep her Safe she can not handle any more hurt, she wouldn't make it.  I have to keep her safe at all costs because I know that anymore hurt, pain or abuse and she would shatter into pieces and there would be no putting her little soul back together, she surely wouldn't make it. 

I like the saying that I have a 100% record of making it through the really hard days and I would like to think that makes me Unbelievably Amazingly brave.

I heart your heart