He said it

He said it the words that I don't want to hear. It literally broke my heart.  He was making comments about being black and was watching some TV show  .  I said but you are white.  He said something like well I am mixed and I said I am white and he said it again. It seemed that that moment all in the world stopped.  Why would my son want to connect with that part of him .  Inside my heart broke and I didn't say another word. I asked Mariska is she ever thought of herself as mixed and she smiled and said she had bigger things to worry about.  It felt awful hearing those words from him, it felt like I wasn't enough and it literally killed me.  I want so much for him to be a good guy and for him to connect with that part of himself seems to me like another assault and its unimaginable.  I know that there are going to be more hard conversations to be had.  I know that he doesn't want to hurt me and is trying to figure things out.  It just felt like he was pulling something in that I want to keep very far away.  I hate that my children have to deal with these things.  I hate that it bothers me so much.  I hate that I couldn't just let it go. I feel like lately he is pushing buttons trying to get at me, because he does not know what to ask. I know that I have work to do before I can honestly answer his questions.  I so worry about his heart.  This is one of the hardest things I will ever face in my life because it affects what matters the most.  Goodness I love them more than life and I want them to be comfortable in their own skin and worry that this piece will get in the way. 

There will never be answers to this there will never be closure.  There will never be that moment when I feel that I can totally put this to rest.  How does a person deal with something that is a biggest blessing yet caused by something that is truly gut wrenching....There are no answers.  This breaks my heart I fear that I am not enough and he will want more and more information.  Mark mentioned a DNA test and I couldn't breathe what if someday they do that what if someday they find

 him what if it  breaks my heart....And I don't know what to do with that.  On my life I hope that they never want to find him.  What he he has a different story.....I mean I didn't fight I just went away.....I knew what was going to happen.....what if my broken heart....can not take it.... I can not even go there.... 


I heart your heart .