Facts Truth Therefore

So for my homework I am working on this and I can tell you that it is more than difficult.  So take a window sill .  The fact is its there and its brown.  The truth is It's an ugly color and I don't like it at all.  There fore I am going to paint it make it pretty and do something about it.  That seems so simple but when it comes to me, I seem to be hitting a brick wall.

Fact :  I was hurt and got pregnant with my amazing children

Truth:  I would do it all over again to have them and to be their mom.

Therefore:  And I get stuck.  Because the hurt in my heart  can not change I can not make things any easier for them or shield them from things that they will have to face......because of the facts.

And So I am more than struggling with this.  And writing earlier today I have realized that the more I am fighting the more that I am breaking my own heart.  That is hard to look at. And I blame myself and all the finger pointing goes right to me....  I want so much to be whole to move forward to feel comfortable in my own skin yet I fight with everything that I have trying to make so much evil, into something understandable.  I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND IT, ANY OF IT. There is no making sense out of the evi that has gone on in my life.  I feel this need to do something with it, like if I just look at it different, if I just see if from a different perspective then just like that all will be well.  Trauma , the things that have happened the things that have been taken I can not get back and I will never understand them ......I have to stop fighting to make sense when there is none.  There is no sense in these things on my heart, there is no sense why me, there is no sense to so much in one life there is no one thing or words or movie that are going to help me understand.   Yet, I fight to do just that !!!!  How crazy insane ??  I am terrified to stop fighting that somehow they win if I stop fighting if I stop trying to figure things out,  it feels like they win and I don't want them to win I want to win and be better a better human a stronger  braver more courageous person those things are for fighters not someone who sits back and accepts things.  I am stuck I don't want to accept what has happened, I don't want to bring it close hold it look at with out trying to figure it out,  I fear that it would eat me alive.  I don't know how not to fight.  I don't know how to let those things sink in to let them be and to be ok.  My head is one confusing place to be.

Fact:  There have been many mean, evil bad people in my life .

Truth:  I can't change it and I didn't invite it

Therefore:  I have to give myself some grace for Surviving

That is so much easier said than done.  In that it mans I have to stop fighting.  I want to get from hell to heaven in a split second and I am missing the journey I don't want to do that. Mark always says what about the in between  I don't want to miss that; the in between, the good the progress the ability o see just how far that I have come.  I so want to hold my head up high and be able to say yea, those things were terrible but I am so much more.  Someday I am more than working on it. 

I heart your heart.