Realizing So much

This week was one of those anniversaries that I can't get away from. This August 22 was painful and I ended the day crying.  I only wanted to be normal to fit in, 16 years ago I just wanted the world to make sense for me and I have realized that was and is too much to ask.  My world will never make sense.  My world will never have any understanding that will ease the pain and the hurt because they are just what they are evil.  And ALL those things happened to me, no matter how hard that I look for some elusive answers they will have still happened I will have still been alone and I will still be broken. This will always be a day that that is full of so much.  Such happiness and sadness all at the same time.  I am trying to understand how I can be so sad about something that gave me the things that make me the most happy.  I emailed Mark, because the weight of the day was crushing and realized that he just holds space for me. He doesn't try to fix them, he helps me understand.  He lets the feelings be and doesn't make them less than but they just are.  I can not even begin to tell you what that mans.  Because for me I have been running my entire life.  All the things that happened to me were always just brushed under the carpet and the world kept going. Pick yourself up callahan there are things to be done.  I have to learn that stopping the fighting, and just letting things be is maybe a first step for me.   I feel like mark is taking the time to acknowledge them and as hard as that is that is one of the things that I have always needed.  I find myself wanting to fight because I am afraid of those things swallowing me whole and never being me again. If I just stop sit with them, let them be and allow myself time to not be ok and then get back in the game.  Live life.  I am not sure at times that I am living this life, I am walking backwards making sure that all those things that have happened to me every rape and abuse and threat to my life has some meaning that there is no meaning other than evil people did evil things and I have the strength to say yes those awful terrible things happened and I am scared to death to be hurt again but I won't stop trying and I won't stop fighting for the things that I believe in.   I think his reaction is allowing me time to realize well that is what I am trying is that I don't have to fight to figure out something that there is no reason for, no explanation for it just happened.  Somewhere in my head I so want it to make sense, I want there to be a reason so I can make sure that I never make those mistakes again.  That I never choose a shirt that I never want things that are not made for me.  That I never get to involved and lost in something and forget that there might be danger.  Those are the things that I can not ever let myself forget. I hold on so tightly not letting myself off the hook because I have to avoid letting myself be hurt.  EVER. AGAIN. 

You would think that as Don held a gun to my head that I would have learned I would have done things different and yet I still talked to Charles wanting to be normal and he ended up coming to my house, I feel like I can't forget all those stupid things that I did and ways that I acted thinking that if I just do things different that I won't be hurt. I hold on to those things as a shield I think, thinking surely I will have to hold on to what I learned so that "THAT" thing doesn't happen again.

I am more than afraid to be seen and yet I want that more than anything.  The things that I am so holding onto are the same things that are keeping me scared and alone.  I hold on thinking I have things to learn so that I will be safe in this crazy world.  I worry that the more I am fighting the more that I am breaking my own heart trying to figure things out.

I saw this and it had my heart , I want to get there I just have to stop running, stop fighting :

"But once the sadness from the loss of hope subsided a different sadness appeared. A deep, heavy grief—grief for what I lived through, grief for what didn’t happen and grief for what might never heal. And this grief is with me now. I realize I have spent years running away from it, wanting it to be gone, wanting to fix it, wanting it not to be true. And now I am just sitting with it, the way you sit at the bedside of a very sick friend. Learning to live with what is broken is like that I think. You can’t do anything to actually change the situation, but you can be there, you can stick by yourself, and you can be good company to yourself while you go through the experience. And maybe that’s healing of a different sort." Gretchen L. Schmelzer


Oh my heart I heart your heart .