proms dates and proposals

There are so many things that I want to say so many feelings that I honestly never knew that I had.  There were things that I have missed out on, but what can you do I can't go back I can't get those things and I hate missing something that I know I will never have.  Well yesterday hit me like a Tsunami and it was more than hard.  I hate when things hit me like that, out of the blue with no warning. I don't want people to think that I am not happy for them or that I am jealous of others not that at all. Its just that its something that I have missed out on in this life and that realization is often more than hard.

It was out end of the month Bow wow at school,  and there was a proposal for one of the teachers, it was great I cried for her . There was a video with her students and her dogs saying my humans are getting married.  The tears kept coming what a cool moment for her, there was photographer there and family and friends and it was really cool.  It was an  amazing happy moment for her. I stopped crying to finish my duties for the day.  I went back to my desk to work and I could not stop crying. I sat there trying to work and these huge tears kept coming.  I felt broken because that is one of those moments that I have totally missed out on in my life.  There are so many life moments that I feel won't happen for me or moments that just are not meant for me at all.  And today that was hard, and I missed it and I wished that things were different. I wished that I was loved I wished that I was special to someone.  I wish I had some of those normal life experiences that everyone has. I don't want to sound like poor me, or that I am dwelling on the life that I have had; its just a fact that some of those things won't happen for me, and that is heartsick .

And I think I never went to prom ,I never had that special person never went to get a special dress, never ever been given a corsage. I have never been on a real date, gotten picked up and had someone want to get to know me. Yet, here I am being sad over a proposal when I have never even had any of the things that lead up to that.  I have never been in love,  never been given flowers by a man that I was special too. Never never never so many never's and my heart is more than sad.

I feel like I have missed out on so many life transition moments and I know there is no way that I can go back and I get more than frustrated with myself because there is nothing I can do about it,  so why cry and be sad. 

I will never have a loving dad walk me down the isle,  I will never go wedding dress shopping.  I will never go cake testing or flower shopping or fin that perfect destination wedding that makes all my dreams come true. 

There is just an abundance of love that I have,  and I don't see a way for me to share it.  I don't see a man wanting to be with someone as cracked and broken.  I don't see a man wanting to tackle my demons with me and still hold me and tell me that he loves me in the morning.  I don't see a time when I will not be scared because of attention,  when touch can be seen a something that is gentle and loving and not violent and hurtful. 

So some things are not meant for me, and I will be sad for a time. I will cry then I must move on because not all things are meant for everyone and this is one that I am not meant to have.

I heart your heart.