Indifference

I think that I have felt this from others for some time and I have never had the word.  It was the shoulder shrug,the look of not caring, the looking the other way.  I am the queen of knowing just when someone is being indifferent.  I sometimes even get it at school, with my principles.  I am not a favorite, I am not the in crowd, the cool teacher so I get the talking over and no connection at all. I feel like  I am the one that goes above and beyond,  I will jump in front of a train to keep someone safe. I will work more than hard to make sure that my job is done to a T. I will forget my hurt and do whatever it is that you need and yet I get indifference.  Yes this is it. A total lack of interest.  No concern. 

lack of interest, concern, or sympathy:


Yes .  I have cried and shared from my heart in my own home and gotten nothing.  No feeling no support no love and it just makes the pain worse.  And when someone does respond and their heart hurts for you it makes those moments of indifference hurt even more.  There are a handful of times I have gotten that from my mother and I can tell you that years later I have never forgotten and they still hurt like it was yesterday.  I will never have indifference, I will love or I will disagree but I will not be indifferent.  I write that and realize that the one who has shown me so much indifference, I am often indifferent to her.  That is a realization,  because I don't care.  I have gotten so much indifference that I am shoveling it back in mounds.  At this point I am not sure that there can be a resolution,  because those things have been done. Such indifference has been shown that I can not go back to the way that things once were.  Things have been done that have left open wounds and no care to help make them better. I have sat on the couch 2 feet from my mother sharing my soul, and there was nothing a shoulder shrug and piles of indifference.I was crying so hard that I couldn't catch my breath,  I shared my soul and nothing. Nothing.  I am done trying.  I can't be involved and give so much only to be treated as something so indifferent it doesn't matter, my life, concerns, issues, and thoughts do not matter. I think that often indifference comes from self centeredness,  and that is more than difficult because that is something that I will never be.  For most you will come first. Your needs your wants I will always make sure that your heart is taken care of,  ALWAYS ALWAYS  .I have felt this indifference from so many in my life and giving it a name I feel like there are so many more situations that seem to fit.  Times when I have shared my abuse and and gotten indifference.  From Joan to the priest.  Times I have shared things with James and only gotten indifference....Yes even from him.  I can not do that anymore and I will not try to solve things with those that are indifferent towards me.  Amy who has been to Texas I can't tell you how many times and I am not a thought , I am not even a text saying hello, I am indifferent to her and that hurts a person;s heart.  These people talk about loving others, and I am so confused.  You can not have those conversations about loving others and then at the same time show such great indifference towards other loving feeling human beings that you know loved you so very much.  When I became so indifferent to them I had to hold my heart and realize you can not keep fighting when you are seen as something that is out of sight out of mind.  Goodness that one hurts.   I will not be indifferent to the things that matter the most I will not be indifferent to others,  I will listen and hear and do what I do because it matters.  I will always stop in the hall and ask how you are, how your father is that is in the hospital,  how your son's surgery went,  how you are on those hard days because that is who I am .  And for those that have shown me such great indifference I am not trying anymore because my heart can't take the chance to see your lack of what I need the most.  Love, Respect, care. I will not bare my soul for you to shrug and walk away.  For you to turn the other way and share your excuses.  I will not give my time when I am seen as indifferent to you.  I will always heart your heart and be grateful for the time that we had, its just that I can't keep trying when your indifference pushes me further under. 


I heart your heart.