I have desperatly tried to understand this life and there just is no making sense of it. It is what it is these cards that I have been dealt. I was talking with a friend and she kept saying we'll figure it out as we go. As things come you do what you do and you do figure it out. Every day is new territory for me trying to figure things out. I may be 38 in years but in life I am a lot younger and living in that is difficult. You know when you are a teenager and you are seperating and trying things out, I never got the chance to do those things.
I don't have a clue how to get out what is in this heart. But I am sad. Sad that I am not wanted in my mothers house. Sad that she doesn't understand me. Sad that she doesn't care, sad that she is not kind to my children. Sad that she is all into her church yet treats those under her roof the way that she does. The blessings that I have received these last few weeks , are so very wonderful. There is a part of me that thinks I should be jumping around doing cartwheels already !!! Really I should! I just want, I need a constant, there is an ache that I need caring and understanding. I want to know that someone is there, I want to know that no matter what decision that I make, I will still be loved.
It has been a very rough week. I went to put the iron away and I saw an email that one of my mothers church friends or I guess so called church friends wrote; and it crushed me. I don't snoop and only noticed it because of my name and the kids. And it totally destroyed what little I was holding onto. I have known for some time she (my mother) doesn't like me but to see it spelled out so clear......well its indescribable really. There are no words to make you understand the way we have been treated. We are not respected or liked and that shows in every way, everyday. You ask how I am I say fine because really, honestly you don't want to know. Here is the email....the words that were used...... It went like this :
I understand that these were another women's words but that didn't stop the hurt. I am sure that things were said to make her think those things and honestly, I took them all very personally. I hate that, this woman thinks I am those things with out even knowing me. I hate that I don't get to explain to her what things are like now, living under "her" roof. There is no chance to defend myself and make anyone understand how hard I am working. This email is crushing, absolutly crushing. And this is the attitude that I have lived under, even if they were another persons words.
I always knew and understood that I had a monster for a father that was a given in my life. But At least there was a mom. She may have not been there all the time or done the things that I would have liked, but she cared. I guess maybe a year and a half ago that changed and what does a person do with that ? What does a person do when the one thing that was constant does a complete 360 and could care less ??? What does a person do ?
So who do I ask the important questions I have ? How do I explain the change to my children ? How do I do this ? When something big happens there is no one to call , no one to share with , what does a person do ? When the tears don't stop and you want to be held what do you do ? When your daughter has to have surgery and it scares you to death what do you do ? When you have to make a 63 to pass your class and you get a shoulder shrug what do you do ? When financial aid is denied and you don't know what to do ? Who am I suppossed to ask these questions ? When you get money and don't have a clue what the right thing to do is ? When you need advise about school, kids, dinner or even buying a house who in the world am I suppossed to ask ?? There is no family, no constant to ask , what does a person do ?
I am really kinda used to doing things on my own I have alwyas done it but why is this so different ?!?! The way that my mother has treated me and my family for over a year is so hurtful and I don't understand. I am working the hardest I have ever worked, doing everything that I am suppossed to. Caring for my children finishing school, I mean I am struggling pushing through figuring everything out. I know there must be people alone in the wolrd, that are in the same situation and I wonder what in the world do you do ?
The tears started this afternoon with Vincent. I was making lunch getting ready to do some homework. He asked me "Mom do you remember when we were going to make the garage your room then Mariska and I would have our own room. And we were going to have a pool in the back yard ? And it was ok that our pictures were on the wall, and that all the laundry wasn't folded ? What happened to all that mom ?" And the tears.....yea I know sweet Vincent and I don't have an answer. Those were the things we had planned. I am so very sorry.
As I look forward, moving is soon, and I am more than blessed to have such a gift. I am excited to start another new chapter, and scared out of my mind ! Because more than anything its coming to survival mode. I wish it was under different circumstances, I wish I didn't have so many questions. I wish there was even a little more constant. I wish there wasn't despearation in my heart. Between now and the move it will be hard, but peace will come, I have to believe it will come.
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