Crumbs

For much of my life I was given crumbs. I was given just enough to stay just enough to want to be a part, just that small sliver of hope that maybe I was going to be important enough for someone to see me worthy of more than a morsel.  Much of my time growing up was spent holding on to those tiny crumbs that were thrown at me wanting only to be loved and cared for.  Any time that I have gotten more than crumbs when people showed me true kindness it meant more than the world. During that time when my world was falling apart there were three people that cared enough to care for my heart.  They gave me their all to make sure that I was taken care of. They checked on me, the listened and they heard me.  Those three people were Calvin.  Oliver and a Dr. in the emergency room.  I didn't have any constant unconditional support; I was basically on my own for everything.  This is more than hard to write because how do you put words to something that meant everything. 

 First there was Calvin.  He was my one in a million.  He saw me, he listened to me. He was the one who was there and felt Bella move.  It was a moment that I will never forget.  He checked on me, he knew when I was ok and when I needed a hug.  He was a rock in everything that was scary, and unknown.  I believe he is one of the reasons that I am here today.  He never forgot me, he always made me feel like I was something special and important.  It was never a romantic relationship. He was a true friend to me and even when he had a girlfriend I was never forgotten.  He made me feel like I was seen in this world and had a place.  For someone like me who had known so much hurt, Calvin was a breath of fresh air and a friend that never let me down.  I had never known safety, and he showed that to me.  He is someone that I will forever and always cherish. 

The second person, I don't even have a name for.  When I talk about him, I call him the Dr from the emergency room.  Thats how i know him. and during that time, he is my only memory.  In a world full of things that I was too young to understand, he was the one that showed kindness. So many things about this time, being 13 and in a place that no 13-year-old should ever have to comprehend, he was there.  I could spend the rest of my life wishing that I knew his name, wishing I knew the hospital, but the fact is that I don't.  The thing I remember, is that he gently put his hand on my leg and said the words no woman wants to hear" I am sorry you have lost her" I was a mess, I am one who cries quietly and alone and there in that bed, there was nothing quiet about me. He stood there with his hand on my leg, and I begged him to tell me it wasn't true, I said no over and over.  I am not sure I had any kind of grip on reality, but I was going to be a mom and in seconds that was gone.   I had just been told the most devastating news, and completely alone in the world.  I didn't know how I was going to be a mom; I didn't know how I was going to make it work.    I was going to give this little girl all the love that was possible, I was going to love and care for her with my whole heart.  After a few moments I curled into a ball and the tears just wouldn't stop.  It is the worst kind of emptiness, that I have ever known.  So many pieces I can't understand. So many pieces that I will never understand.  But this man who knew nothing of me stood there in that place with me and was there in that moment.  I will forever and always be grateful to him.  If by some chance an ER doctor in Texas remembers a girl so scared, and so alone who lost her baby girl; I hope he remembers that moment and knows that he was a man who showed kindness, and compassion and presence to a girl who was all alone in the world.  In the moment he spoke those words, her world fell apart. But he was there and made a difference for her, and she will never ever forget him.  

I never got to be sad about losing my Bella.  It was never talked about.  Nothing was ever explained to me.  Nothing was ever spoken about my experience or what had happened to me.  Loosing a baby is something that takes time to heal that needs to be dealt with and yet I was expected to just move on.  Not a single person in my family, ever spoke to me about her, or what happened.  It was literally like she never existed, but each day I felt more like I was dying than I was living.  I wasn't even in high school yet.  No one asked if she had a name. I wasn't allowed to talk about my loss and the devastation that I felt.  No one held me close. no one even acknowledged my Bella, that I was not ok.  The expectation was more than clear I was worthless and a bother and should just keep moving forward.  So moving forward is what I did, that was the only thing I knew how to do. 

Finally, there was Oliver. About 3 years later while I was in Germany, I was able to talk about my Bella and all that she meant to me.  I think that when something happens to you when you are that young it steals a part of your life.  At 13 there is no way to comprehend the tragedy of such a thing. When this happens to a women it changes them, but I wasn't even close to being a woman.  I was just a girl who thought that this little baby and I were going to save the world together.  Those moments stole a part of me, that magicness of being pregnant and being a mom was taken away.  My innocence was long gone, but somehow Bella gave me a piece of hope and I was going to do everything to keep her safe and sound. It was finally with Oliver, that I was able to say her name and talk about her.  I can remember sitting in this little bar, the Crown in Darmstadt.  We sat there, candles on the table, the window open warm summer air, the curtains flowing in the breeze, and I got to talk about the daughter that I had lost, for the first time.  I cried and cried, I talked about all that she meant to me, and the plans that I had.  Oliver sat there listening and rubbing my back.  He kept saying that he was so sorry.  He was shocked, that no one cared, that no one talked with me and everything was ignored and pretended that nothing was different.  But I was very different, so different that nothing would be the same ever again.  He was shocked at other's reactions.  He found the behaviors of those that were supposed to take care of but didn't appalling.  For the first time I could remember, I was not the one that had done something wrong, I was not the one to be blamed.  He said that people should have taken care of me and he was sorry.  We sat there for the longest time.  And though that night could never bring her back I was able to say her name. I said her name over and over, and I cried for hours.  I was able to talk about my baby girl that meant the world to me.  She was literally everything, and someone cared and knew about her.  Sharing her, made me feel like I was invincible.  I felt strong, I was sad but I was able to say her name.  Later that Summer I was able to light a candle for her in the church in France.  I lit that candle and stood there for the longest time.  I lit a candle for my Bella. My girl, my love.  Not being able to share about someone you loved so much is a tragedy.  Once i got home, I had to go silent again.  People in my own home, people that surrounded me could not handle the truth of what I had been through and survived.  They chose to ignore a child with a child and make her the villain. 

While Calvin, that so gentle Dr and Oliver chose to do the hard thing.  They were with me in the worst moments and cared enough to stay.  In a time of being handed crumbs by so many they gave me everything.  They gave me hope back and gave me light that I had a baby girl and that I lost her little life.  They gave me the right to say her name and feel a warmth in my heart that only her name has.  My Bella, My so sweet Bella.  I will forever be your mom.  I think there are oceans of sad there and I hope little by little I can release; I can heal, and I can acknowledge my loss as it should have been so long ago. 

I heart your heart