Tonight, I came to the realization it's just done. The relationship with my brother is over. I have texted for over a year, and I can't do it anymore. I won't. I am no longer willing to send any more messages. I am so tired of checking to see if they have been read and wondering if I will get a response. An entire year, and I have gotten nothing. So, I am done. Anyone who knows me knows when I hit the I'm done stage, I am over it. So it is done.
I hear a stained song and think of him. I hope he's ok, but I am not willing for this unhealthy relationship to weigh on me for another second. I am unwilling to keep my thoughts and feeling buried to make sure not to upset him. His feelings were what mattered, my entire life and I have looked the other way. A year of sending messages telling him I love him, hoping he is well. And I have not gotten a single response. Our last interaction was on Thanksgiving last year. I asked if he was coming over for dinner, he said what time. I asked what he was doing and said it was Thanksgiving he wasn't allowed to ignore me. I gave him a few laugh emojis and said not sure turkey isn't in yet and asked what he was doing for the day? Then crickets and I haven't heard a thing in an entire year. Every month every special occasion I have sent messages and been ignored. I am no longer willing to do that. I will not put my heart out there for it to be ignored and mistreated another day.
He has chosen over and over again to listen to others and make me everything other than what I am or who I stand for. It was 2 years ago on Thanksgiving he was in the hospital; I made a huge dinner and brought it all to the hospital so he could have company and dinner. It was uncomfortable, other people were there. Then Carly crawls into his hospital bed under the covers with him and they are playing footsie. Not appropriate at all and made me more than uncomfortable. We packed up and left. On the way out of the hospital the kids and I all said it was creepy she was in bed with him. We were all super uncomfortable, something wasn't right. We got home late then had to clean up the aftermath of Thanksgiving dinner. Mom was already sick, and upstairs in her room. She asked how everything went, we said it was creepy and uncomfortable, Carly in the hospital bed and that she was going to stay the night. My mom was also shocked and couldn't believe it. She decides to call my brother, telling him how not ok it was that Carly had no right staying the night. I then get a call from him with a FUCK YOU every other word asking what the hell I said to my mom when I got home.....I was in shock. I started crying and told him first there was no reason for him to speak to me like that. I told him I came home talking about myself and how uncomfortable I was. It was about me and my feelings. He yelled some more and made excuses Carly was cold. Blah blah blah...he always had some kind of excuse for unacceptable behavior. Happy Thanksgiving to me. We hung up. I was crying that whole body cry not believing how the night had gone. Then, mom sticks her head over the railing upstairs and says she was sorry. I had no words all of this was so blown up and unnecessary. All I did was talk about how I thought and felt, and I became the problem.
It wasn't even a week later, that my mom passed away.
For a time, Chris came over every Saturday. For a short time, her passing brought us closer together, I am not sure that either of us realized the magnitude of damage she had done to our relationship. There were issues with the life insurance. Her card said that Chris and I were the beneficiaries. She had only had her policy a few months. There were so many red flags, but I never saw them. Even when I called all the paperwork came in his name. I was relieved one less thing I had to worry about, but something was off, and I couldn't figure it out. One Saturday when he came over, he talked about my kids getting a little, like 100 dollars and that he was going to give some to Carly and Jaden. My children never saw a thing. Not once was I mentioned. Just things were off and felt uneasy. When July came his visits got less and less. His entire household got Covid, and there was so much drama, he left laurel moved to this huge rental house in Princeton. But he was staying with a friend he couldn't stand laurel. Always drama drama. I needed to get my house back together so slowly I was cleaning up my mother's things making my house my home. While in her room I found a letter from her life insurance company. My brother had become 100% beneficiary. I cried the hardest cry. It was never about the money, it was the fact that she hated me that much broke my heart. I texted my brother and no response after a day I called him and asked if he knew. His lack of response the day before was a pretty clear answer. I was heartbroken that I meant so little to her. It also made a few of the things I experienced fall into place. I think that was the beginning of the end. I had been talking to my cousin who lost his mom a few days after my mom. About what I thought and what I was feeling. He was also dealing with life insurance and selling the house and all those things that happen when someone passes away. we just shared the things that happen when a family member passes away. He couldn't believe that my brother wasn't helping or giving me anything. When he found out that my brother was 100 percent beneficiary, he thought something wasn't right. He took it upon himself talk to my brother. Once he did that, the relationship between my brother and I was basically over. I knew that Sam had talked to him. My brother was different. He said, I am sorry you feel that way. I told him I didn't feel any way, that it was Sam's opinion. I told him that money wasn't meant for me so there was no issue. I don't care about the money; my problem was that she cared so little about me. I moved from my favorite place for her. Once again telling someone my thoughts and feelings and they were used against me. So, my brother instead of talking to me, let my cousin get between us and shut me out. That was right before Thanksgiving last year and basically the end.
I guess I am in this spot, that feels crazy, but there is a piece of me that knows I did nothing wrong. My entire life in this family I was treated unkindly when I shared my thoughts and feelings. I was not treated kind most of the time and was expected to listen to everyone's thoughts and feelings and deny my own. What a bind I was always in. Not once when she passed away were my thoughts and feelings recognized or heard. My mother was always there in between the relationship between my brother and I. He allowed others' opinions to get between us, there is a sad in that because I don't family. I have no one. Yet there is a peace because the drama that was brought to me and my children was huge. There were things my brother was unable to do; Like have an adult relationship. He brought Carly into every conversation and there were times when I shared about different things were not kept private. There are still pieces that I am trying to unravel. Boundaries were always crossed, and I am just not in the same place. There were things that were not right, there were things that always weighed heavy on me, that he could never understand or wanted to understand. I am grateful to no longer have to deal with the drama. And sad that I don't have family. So much unhealthy there,
I am no longer going to keep sending messages. I am no longer reaching out for a relationship that I am not sure that I want. I am going to keep moving forward, doing all the things that I love and I hope he takes care of himself, but I am not willing to change who I am or the things I believe in to be trampled on. Life is so strange. Nothing was ever enough. He complained about things in my home with every visit. The heat, the AC, the water pressure, there was always something. I was so tired of hearing about how much money that he made yet his truck was repossessed, and he had no vehicle. I was always less than, even with a degree, and a house and 2 amazing kids. I am so sad and in the best place I have been in a long time. Things are changing, I am growing, and I wish him the same.
I heart your heart.
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