A wobbly unsteady mess

 I am not sure that I am going to be able to explain this, but I am going to try.  I am a fish out of water right now, in a place where I am looking forward but there is a part of me that is in the past. I am trying to save a part of myself that is beyond exhausted, and incredibly alone.  I am headed in the right direction, I am doing all the right things and yet there is a piece of me that is in a place that holds terror, and unimaginable shame. I am on this bridge alone with the slightest thought, memory or feeling of unworthiness sends me into a back slide. Tiny things are bringing tears and the feeling of being overwhelmed is mostly constant. I am heading to the light but often surrounded in darkness. I am not sure that a person can understand that. I get knocked down over and over and over and always get back up and keep going. I fear that there will come a time when I just won't get back up. You know that moving creepy wall in the Devil's Advocate, that wall that seems to come to life at times, that is what my past is like.  No rhyme or reason, there are moments that parts of my past just come to life just like that wall. I am left in the moment, unable to function.  The anxiety fills every cell and I feel useless, like a burden like a bother because the last thing I want to be is alone.  Alone is the thing that I am the most. I am fighting so hard, in a world that has not been kind.  I feel like it's her time to be able to breathe. It's her time to feel worthy and special. She deserves, love, kindness and understanding. A soft place to lay her head, some real rest. I want to give that to her, more than anything. I am trying even on this unsteady bridge every day.   I fear being knocked off and falling into a blackness that I will never recover from. That is the in-between place that I live in. 

On any given day at any time that hopeless feeling creeps in and I feel so insignificant. I can promise that I won't give up, but I will tell you there are days I want to. I want to give up more than my own need to breathe. 

I need a bridge like this.  A bridge that lets things come and they can flow under the bridge and keep moving further and further away, no longer having the power to knock me off my feet. 

I am working hard picking apart the things that I tell myself and the things that I believe and that tears at my heart. I am trying to hear something different then all the things I was taught at 13. I am trying to build a better bridge and it just isn't happening as quickly as I would like.  I want to move forward; I want to find my joy and it's a struggle. A few weeks ago, I could not stop the tears, and I know that eventually they will stop.  But I needed comfort, I needed not to be alone in that sad. I know that I am working on building this strong bridge, I am doing all the right things.  I am going to grad school, and I am grateful that is truly my happy place. I feel alive and that what I am doing matters. But I am in-between two worlds. Grad school and doing the things that I have wanted to for so long. And healing a part of me that is bruised, battered and scared of the world.  I am in the light moving in the right direction and have this piece that is terrified to move on.  So we keep building, each week I write, I cry and hope that someday soon she will take my hand and we burn the bridge to the ground. 

I heart your heart.