All the words

Yes.  That is why I am so glad to have the words of others. 

I think this often,  how can there be so much and not a single person do anything to help or support.  

I am so tired of the tears.  They seem to come all the time and for the smallest things. So many things that I don't know how to explain or express. 

I have felt this my entire life.  Always feeling like i am the one that has to apologize for the things that have happened to me. 

At this point I get sad there are so many things that I missed out on, and there is no way that I can ever get it back.  There is a hole that nothing seems to fill right now. 

I have no one.  There is no shoulder to cry on.  There is no soft place to fall.  I cry on my own , deal on my own.  There are a few people I will not dismiss, yet when all is said and done,  I have to do this alone. Often Its smile pretend you are fine, then repeat the next day. 

And its so exhausting.  Fighting is so hard.  Fighting a past that was terrifying, realizing that people knew, there is a sense of terminal aloneness in my world and there are days when healing takes all the life out of you. 

I try with my words sometimes they work and other times they don't. 

Tell that to everyone else in the world. I cannot tell you the number of people that are no longer around, because they can't handle the healing, the growing and the pain. My life is so much more than being able to pull yourself up by the bootstraps, it's much more complicated.   There are the things I do have control over, and there are things that I have zero control over, and people don't understand that. 

I am trying so hard.  That pain lives in every cell so telling me to put it somewhere else doesn't help.   I am trying little by little one piece at a time.  Healing takes as long as it takes. 

No one can understand the things that it takes for me just to be "Normal" Just to do the normal life things that people take for granted. It's the simple things, talking to others, taking your car for an oil change going to the dr.  Such little things that are more than hard for me. Taking a shower, brushing my teeth, people do these things and don't think me I do, I have to think through those things and keep myself in my own skin.  Those simple things awake the memories and bring the fear and the tears.  Imagine doing that every single day. 

Yes, the words that I can't get out, the words that are stuck in my bones are the hardest words that may never be released because I literally can't. 

Yes, survival is a strange thing.  Somedays you are glad and can see how far that you have come.  Other days you wonder why you did because the healing is so very very hard and more than lonely. 

Oh this,  there is still a fear that if people could only see they would run run as fast as they could. 

Just always different.  My experiences were different, I saw the world different.  My everyday is different and there are not many that can understand that. 

Oh, this.  My family I never was allowed to feel the things that I did.  I was the one that had to be careful of everyone's else's feelings awhile mine were stomped on and somehow that was ok.  Even when my mom died.  I wasn't allowed to have my feelings, and had to be careful what I said.  It was ok for everyone ese to have theirs and I always took that into consideration, all I wanted was the same consideration. 

I am a deep person, I feel deeply and experience deeply. I think its because I have known the deepest depths of sadness.  There is a place there that feels like home. 

I had to be so grown up all the time.  There was no time to be a girl and I will always miss that.  

Sometimes it feels like this healing will never be at a place where I am happy.  I keep fighting but honestly there are times that I wonder if somethings just are not made for me.  Maybe there are thing that I have missed the boat on, and I just have to learn to accept that. 

Suffer.  That is a very lonely word. 

Sometimes i still imagine that safe place, at this point I don't think its for me but there are moments I imagine, just a person to call mine that cares for my heart even on the bad days. 

Too many dark days.  I need a respite a place where there is peace. A place where it's safe to just be. 

ALL THE TIME

I think it's always going to hurt.  I just think I will be able to hide it better on some days. 

Me TOO, Me TOO

People don't understand this.  There are times they easily say don't get stuck there. What they don't understand is that some of the things that happened to us are just as stuck to us. 

Survival is such a strange thing.  

The storm ended but it's the aftermath that feels so very destructive. 

More people need to understand this.  There are days in my brain its happening.  There are days I am in a daze because it feels like yesterday. There are days, I can't do things because they are all reminders.  I am not being dramatic. I am not holding on its just what happens and how I live. 

Some days its all so overwhelming and the past and present makes everything blurry .

Oh this brain of mine.  I wish there were times when i could just shut it off.

Lots of these days lately. LOTS of them.  I can't figure out why. 

I am trying. 

Just so much sadness.  There are parts I can't save no matter how hard I try.  Sometimes that just isn't ok with me. 

I am scared all the time.  That I am not enough not smart enough, not anything enough. 

Always the little things. I notice them all.

I am trying so hard. 

Smart.  Being left alone in your own thoughts that tell you your everything awful.  Those are things that change a person. 

The trauma is the monster and there are days I feel like it had made me something more monster than human. Such an unsettling feeling. 

Struggling to find that purpose.  My story has to mean something. 

This. That.  Again I don't get to feel or experience, just survive keep breathing, keep fighting. 

My poor heart.

The maze of healing. 

If this isn't the truth. 

This is what it feels like reaching for the future while feelings the barbs of the past. Always. Always. 

I want it to matter. I want it to be unreal. I struggle with the why.  Wanting it to be anything other than what it is.  It hurts a person's heart. It's a heaviness that takes a person's breath away.

I want this, if I could just find the words. 

Oh the thoughts. 

There was always a feeling of being lost.  I was never found EVER by anyone. 

It is and I wish that brought me some peace. 

Always wishing to be somewhere else. 

Yes, so many did and that is the story of my life. 

I want to be proud of me for all the things I did to get here, I want to get through the sad to be able to see it. 

oh this.  A kind, gentle, warm hug that never stops. 

Just to be understood.  

Just the cracked pieces.

I used this in a paper for school. My motto.  Sometimes I find myself not believing I am still standing.  Some fucking day I am going to stand tall and be excited that I made it. 

Be Brave. Be very Brave. 

I know I know. it just hurts my heart. 

Just a little light. That has always kept me going. 

For you Spunky, it's ok. Your enough and I am strong.

Hard lesson. My side does matter and someday someone will listen. 

This picture. The smallest normal things and I feel like I am being choked, I just wanted something normal, something good but all I got were thorns. 

A happy person with a sad soul. An oh so sad soul. 

I am so trying, I will make it just a very rough in-between spot. 

I have to believe this but will I always be doing it alone ? 

I do it because i deserve more, and I want truly happy not just happy for others.

I know I know I know.

Battle scars of surviving another day in a world that doesn't want you to speak.

I need some beautiful things. 

I believe you Spunky, and all the hell you lived. I am here. 

Even on my worst days I find something.  Even if its a heart. 

Just another of the things that others can not understand. 

I am more than grateful for all the authors of these words and pictures. They are a part of my story that gives me words when I can't find that express things I long for.  I am so tired.  I need happy. I need unconditional.  I need genuine kindness and support even in my crazy sad.  I keep fighting , keep searching for healing and someday this sad will lift and I can look back and think wow Callahan you have come a long way. I don't feel that today, but I will someday.