Good Enough

 I don't know what to say, I feel like I am not enough a good amount of time probably 95% of the time if not more.  I struggle feeling that I am good enough, that I am somehow unworthy of breathing the same air as you. I watch you thinking how you do that.  How are you so confident and make so little mistakes.  How do you notice the little things and make them big things. A dash instead of a slash in a date, does it really matter? Something so insignificant, I struggle to understand.  I am always making mistakes, doing things wrong.   I miss little details, because my mind is spinning.  The thing is I am so afraid of doing things wrong, I end up making even more mistakes.  I questions everything I do, I check and double check to the point that I question everything I do.  I am so anxious about doing things wrong, that I make stupid mistakes. I have been teaching 10 years and feel like none of that means anything.  Dismissed at every corner.  So, I will just try to blend. Focus on where I want to go, and the things I want to do and be the person I want to be. 

But in School I excel.  In school right now those things make sense to me.  The things I am learning, the things I am thinking about are real true things that matter, and I am doing things right.  I got a paper back from my theory class. It brought tears to my eyes really. 

100% Amazing Paper!

What who me amazing paper! Does he know what amazing means? I want to question well what does amazing mean to you? I want to make sure that our definitions of amazing match. Like can I really be proud of myself. For me Amazing is what whales are and a baby laughing seeing Vincent smile and Mariska excited for her last purchase those are things that are amazing, and you are saying my paper the one that I wrote is AMAZING! It brought tears to my eyes because I have never been amazing, I have never been something extraordinary. In my classes I feel alive and there are so many things that I already know and understand. School is my happy place, I fit there and it's a feeling I don't have often. In-betweens are rough. And I am in the between in so many areas. One foot in the door one foot out. Moving on and holding on. So much in-between. I just want to be good; I want to be enough I want to feel like I am worthy just because of who I am in this exact moment. I want to know that I am where I am wanted and needed and doing a good job.