There are so many things and i am not sure that there are enough words to explain all the feelings that I have been having lately. There is as always that intense sad, but there has also been this kind of angry that I just have never experienced before. I have been angry for others, for Angela. I can get angry at all of the injustices in the world but me, I am something other than. No one ever did their fucking job to keep me safe, NO one stepped up for me, and trying to rebuild a life that you never had the chance to experience is exhausting. I always feel like I am behind, like I am not as prepared for things as everyone else. I see things so differently and I want better for myself. I wanted better for thirteen year old Callahan that never had a chance to experience a good life and to thrive. I am angry for her, that she was always fighting a loosing battle. No matter how hard that she tried in life she was ignored, knocked down and blamed. I am not sure about this place that I am in. So many good things, and yet such an unrest. The memories are plenty, the feelings confusing and I want to crawl in a hole. And yet I keep going, doing all that is required of me. I keep working a job that I am no longer passionate about. I am in a place that feels exhausting. I am doing all the right things I keep fighting, I have goals and dreams but this place right here right now makes me want to scream at the world. I have fought for so long, that is what do and I would be bored if I wasn't fighting, but it's my time for some peace. I long for a sense that all is well with my heart. A day when the memories are far away, and I can find the joy in the day.
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