Professional Survivor

 I heard this song by Glenn Phillips and listened to all of the words and they honestly kind of hit me really hard.  Here are the words :

Well it took five neighbors
To get him in the hall
And down the three flights of stairs
Out the building's door
I know that it's easy to say
That it couldn't be worse
But now she's in her apartment
Alone for the first time since the last jerk

And once you let them get to you
It never washes off
'Cause they can smell the weak ones
And just pick you off like a pigeon
And each one is worse than the last one
Until you're a professional victim

You get everything backwards
Learning how to survive
You treat the little wounds first
Let the big ones fester for life
You've done it enough
You would think that you know what you need
But it doesn't get any better
When you've got such an eye for a bad seed
A bad seed

And once you let them get to you
It never washes off
'Cause they can smell the weak ones
And just pick you off like a pigeon
And each one is worse than the last one
Until you're a professional victim

And if you take a look you can see the cracks
In the story told where the logic lacks
All the pretty girls and the stupid boys
Make the same mistakes until they've got no choice

And once you get the stink on you
It never washes off
'Cause they can smell the weak ones
And just pick you off like a pigeon
And each one is worse than the last one
Until you're a professional victim
You're a professional victim
You're a professional victim

It had me thinking, I believe there was a time when I could have said professional Victim.  I think it's a place that is easy to fall into.  I think for me more then me labeling myself, I was a professional victim. I never would have labeled myself that but was labeled by others.  So many things happened to me, that people often thought I was wallowing in what happened. People said that I wanted attention.  People thought a lot of things and there was a time that I took those things on and wore them like a cape. Well suck it up Callahan your acting like a victim wanting others to feel bad for you.  You are just looking for attention   All these people are saying things, so I guess that it must be true.  I have never liked the term victim really.  Because for me I took that to mean I was sitting around in an ugly mess saying oh poor me, and that is something that I never did.  

In listening to this song over and over again, I think that I am more of a professional Survivor really.  There was never any sitting around and wallowing for me, I was fighting.  I have fought my entire life for everything.  So, I think that for me, all I know how to do is survive.  And that can be really hard sometimes, because all you know how to do is fight. And you fight and you fight, and you fight until your shoulders are like rocks, and the tears don't come anymore.  You fight in your sleep and in the shower.  I fight all the things that happened to me all the time, I wouldn't call that a victim.  

Even today, I am still fighting the things that happened to me, finding more and more pieces, fitting the ones into place that I can.  Discarding other pieces and still looking for others.  I am always on a mission to figure out this heart of mine and heal and I have hope that as I continue to heal things will get better and better.  At the same time, I am well aware that there are pieces that I will forever struggle with.  There are some things that will never ever find a place to fit, but I have to believe that someday, there will be a forever happily ever after for me. I don't even know what that would look like, but it would mean less nightmares, less memories and happier.  So, I keep fighting for that. 

I heart your heart