The chanting

 It seems that lately things are getting more specific, more intense, more real if that's even possible.  The nightmares are more specific, the memories and thoughts are different.  Each one another piece of the puzzle.  The theme lately seems to be the chanting, the time when Don had called the other 4 and they cheered and gave each other high fives.  Even today I cannot be anywhere near where someone is chanting whether its children, or on TV it doesn't matter I can't be close.  I think that this is one of the things that I don't have many words for, that still feels like I can hear it to this day. I hear it in my sleep and when I am awake.  I hear it when I am happy, I hear it when I am sad.  Lately even little sounds, feel the chanting. 

I am not sure, that I could even help someone understand. Think of the movie the Accused when she was being assaulted and they all took turns cheering, clapping and laughing.  THAT.  The cheering, clapping and laughing went on as they all took their turns over and over and over. The worst moments of my life and they were proud of each other. I am not sure that is something that a person recovers from.  That is something that will always tear at my heart and soul. It feels like an open wound, wide open and raw. As I continue to heal I hope it won't always be like this.  But these days it is, and there are a lot of days, ok most days when curling up into a ball and shrinking away sounds better than being a being a productive adult.

I will keep breathing, I will keep healing, but the chanting is something that I feel in my bones and is more than terrifying. I don't understand why this is becoming such a big thing right now in this moment.  I still struggle with groups, and a group of 5 men is something that makes me feel frozen and throws me back to when I was 13.  I have this hole in me from the things that they did, that there is no repair for.  I hope that eventually, good things can grow there, maybe even flowers someday; but the hole in my being is a constant.  Things were taken and destroyed that no soul should ever experience. I can not tell you who said what because the 5 of them fade into each other with their words and actions.  I can tell you that each and every vile thing that they said was heard, and I took each one personally.  

I hear the chanting, their voices, how they talked to each other.  I struggle with putting the words and faces together, maybe that is a good thing.  So as the chanting becomes a focus of the nightmares, I will try any and everything to make it less horrible.  But maybe it's just the nature of the beast.  When a woman survives a gang rape, her life is changed, and I believe there are things that just are. When this happens there are just things that I have had to learn to live with no matter how much that I wish things were different.  

It is my hope that maybe if I can talk about it a little bit, that some of its power will be gone.  At least that is my hope. Right now, it's a struggle, things were just so violent, that I am at a loss.  At the very core of me, there is a kind of sad that just is.  I always know that it's there, and there are a lot of times that I ignore it, or at least try.  But lately ignoring it, seems pretty impossible. It feels like I have this open gaping wound all the time.

 I saw a saying the other day that fits perfect: 

Somedays everything is crying except my eyes.  

Yes that !! Sometimes the sad is so deep and so dark there just aren't any tears. 

I think that this is where the deepest sad comes from.  And I feel like that is where I am right now.

To someday flowers growing in the hole that they created. 

I heart your heart.