I think that this is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to write. Calvin was someone that helped me more than any person in the whole wide world. He loved me cared for me and made me feel like I was something special. He treated me like a lady, opening and closing doors. He would go out of his way to check on me and make sure that I was ok. He was always there with a hug even when I didn't have words to tell him, how I was doing. Over the years I have looked for him. I can remember a long time ago, sitting on my bed with a phone book, and I called every single one trying to find my Calvin the one that made my world a little more safe. After calling who knows how men and leaving countless messages, there was silence. He is never far from any thoughts. Every time that I talk about him, my heart grows a little more he was that important. When no one else cared Calvin did. When no one else notice that I wasn't ok. Calvin did. Without him I am not sure where I would be, or if I would even be here today.
He meant the world, he was my entire world. I have one picture of us together, that was taken right before he went away to college. He was standing behind me, his arms over my shoulders, I never felt more safe in the world. He was so tall, and I felt so safe. He was wise beyond his years and treated me better and more respectfully than any of the adults that surrounded me that should have seen things and noticed. No one noticed, just Calvin. The next time that I saw him was when he came back from school on a break. I can remember seeing him and we hugged and fell over on the couch. I was overjoyed to see him, and he was excited to see me. I don't remember our conversations, or what we said but I was the happiest I had been in a very long time being in the same room as him again.
I met Calvin at youth group. I was not old enough to be there and felt more than out of place. I was the dorky middle school kid and was expected to hang out with all the cool high schoolers! I was pretty devasted and had nothing at all in common with those people. They couldn't understand me, and I couldn't understand them. I was expected to somehow be a normal teenager when nothing in my life was ever normal. Somehow people thought it was a good idea, it wasn't. The best thing to come out of that was meeting Calvin.
It's so hard to explain all that he means and put actual words to all the feelings. He was my whole world. The only person that I felt cared at all about my heart. I felt like he took me under his wing and cared when there was no reason to care. He was like the big brother that I never had. He would ask how I was and really want to know. He was the one who noticed when something was wrong and so not ok.
I remeber him letting me wear his jacket. Our church had some carnival thing. It was cold outside, and he gave me his school jacket. I never felt cool or special and that day I was on top of the world. I felt a safety in that jacket. Somehow wearing that jacket made the weight of my world disappear. There was some other festival thing, that was next to the old Wal-mart and Brookshires was on the other end of the shopping center. He watched out for me, took time, to make sure I was ok. Sometimes there were no words, I just needed to feel safe at least for a time. He would even take me to school in the morning, Griffen middle school. Good ness such a long time ago. He would open and close the doors for me. He made me feel like I was worthy. I was worthy of being cared for and loved. I was important just because.
One of the worst times in my life, I was 13'; I had been hurt. I had been raped and I wasn't ok. I was dying inside and no adult around me cared to even notice that I wasn't the same person. Calvin did. I can remember talking to him in my room, on the phone. He just kept telling me that I could talk to him, that he knew something wasn't right. And I don't know what he asked, I finally told him that I was raped. I remember him getting really angry, and I thought it was at me, but he was angry at what happened to me. That was such a shock to me, no one was ever sad or mad at anything that happened to me. I remember seeing him the next morning and he just hugged me, held on to me and I left like I didn't have to carry it alone. He was sorry at what happened to me. He was angry that I was hurt and I had never experienced that kind of care and concern. In so many ways he was like my guarding angel. He wanted me to tell. I did not, I just told him it was fine, I was fine and would be ok. He listened to me. I was grateful.
School was hell, I was afraid all the time. But there was always Calvin checking on me and for even a short time, a few minutes I felt like I mattered. A few weeks passed. Don came back and brought friends. I can tell you that I was a different person before and after that happened. Not a single soul noticed, I was different besides Calvin. He stood up for me. He said that he knew I didn't want to tell anyone or bring any attention, but it wasn't ok for me to be hurt like this. He said that I had to tell. That whole scenario is a different story, but the only person that was there for me, was Calvin. The only person that cared about how I was, how my heart was; was Calvin. I told the youth group leader, I got no warmth or kindness. Calvin walked in, and I just threw my arms around him, and he held on to me. I was worried about all the questions that people were going to have. He was so kind, so reassuring. He was the only comfort I got that night and for a long time after. He was the only person in the whole world who noticed that I was breaking inside, and he wanted to help make me better.
When everyone left, when all the accusations and pointing occurred Calvin was always there by my side making sure that I was ok. I would not have survived that time with out his kindness and support. I would not be here today if it were not for him.
I am going to try and reach out to him. I do not know what the future holds if I will ever hear from him. But I do know that he was my guardian angel and helped me survive the unimaginable he gave me more care than any adult in my life. He gave me all the things that I didn't even know were options for me. Calvin you were my light and my hero when my entire world was black. You will always hold a special place in my heart, I will always be beyond grateful that you cared enough for a girl who was awkward and out of place. You gave me a safe place where I felt worthy, that was is and will always be a gift.
I heart your heart Calvin Small and I always will.
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