Here I am scared, confused and exhausted. I am in a place that I have never been before, and it takes all of me to do the smallest tasks. I am more than frustrated at this place because so many good things are happening around me. My life is moving towards all good things. But there are these boxes in my life that hide all the terrible awful and it has come to point where, I can no longer keep the lid on. I don't want to keep the lid on, I am tired of all the unspeakable things being unspeakable and tearing at my soul. I should never have had to hide to them in the first place, but life had other plans for me. The things that are in my memories are things I have never forgotten but I am seeing them a different way.
It's in the little details, the things that I had to focus on to just pretend that anything other than what was happening was happening. I would have given anything for Don to stop that morning in the shower. It seems that time is under a microscope right now. I want to find meaning and understanding. Yet I know there is no way to make sense out of something that is senseless. But still there is this need to try. Maybe I did something to make him think it was ok to come back. Maybe if I fought harder the first time he would never have tried again. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe runs through my head trillions of times. So many thoughts and yet still it happened and there isn't a thing that I can ever do about it. The buttons on that ugly orange chair the window and the sun shining though the blinds on the bed. Its the little things that are so heavy.
I was in my own world that morning, singing in the shower, I wasn't afraid, I just knew that it was going to be a long day. My parents had already left, before the sunrise. I don't remember the song that was on my boom box, I know that it was a cassette tape. I know that it was loud, music was a freedom and an escape. I am sure I was singing and dancing when it got shut off, I am sure that I knew every single word to the song and kept singing. I can remember grabbing the towel and wiping my eyes before realizing that don was there. There was this immediate adrenalin, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. It was a shock, and my first thought was escape. But it was a small bathroom, and there was nowhere to go, he was between me and the door. It was a few short seconds, but they felt like lifetimes. I tried to reason telling him that I would be out in a minute, of course those were not his intentions. I remember the look on his face, as he started to undress and my heart began beating faster, I wanted more than anything to crawl through that shower wall and get away from him. There was a moment, a piece of me knew what he was going to do, and the tears started, I tried to wipe the tears away, be brave and strong. I was frozen. He was so calm and collected, I tried to push through him and get out, he made comments that we were going to have fun, he made rude disgusting comments. In that moment I started to cry and kept telling him no. I was in a panic begging and pleading. I told him to just let me out and we could talk. He shoved me against the cold wall, kissing me hard his hands everywhere, in my head I kept saying no no no no no over and over but I am not sure if any sound came out. He put my hands over my head and pushed my face into tile. He turned the water so hot; I can remember it burning my skin, but it was better focusing on the hot water than what he was doing to me. I begged, asked him so nicely just to stop. Of course, he didn't hear me. he was hurting me, I was nothing. So many things went through my head about all the things I should or could have done. Today as I remember those thoughts I think about where my parents were. How did he know I was home alone. How did he get in. He was in no hurry, not afraid of anyone finding him out? There is a part of me that feels in my bones that my father was a part of this. He knew that I was getting tired of being hurt by him and he needed an out in case I ever said anything about him. How fucking sick. There was no fear in Don he had plans for the day. He hurt me for what felt like forever, more than once, when he was done, he pulled my hair, throwing me to the ground. I just curled up thinking, just keep it together he will get dressed and leave and you will be ok. I can remember wanting to just go and lock the front door. That was my goal for when he left. I just laid there on the cold shower floor shivering. I was ever so quiet, waiting for the sounds to know that he was gone. I can still see that stitched round sign, He leadeth me. I hated it but I found myself saying it over and over, trying to get my mind somewhere else. I can remember kind of being gone for a time, maybe in shock at what had happened. I grabbed the towel and tried to stand. It took more than one try, it was like he had taken all my strength. I can remember sitting on the rug, and I hit my leg, over and over I wanted to feel anything other than the things I was feeling. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught him sitting in that burnt orange chair with one missing button. And I just sat there with my back against the wall. I was terrified and could not understand why he hadn't left. I went through so many scenarios in my head and none of them included him staying. When he knew that I saw him still there, he laughed and asked if I was hiding. He brought me to the bed, I had a death grip on that towel, it was my only safety. I couldn't understand why he was still here. I could feel my heart beating in my chest, I just wanted him to leave me alone so I could clean up and move on . I wanted him to leave so I could pretend that everything was ok. Nothing was ok, and I had no idea just how bad that this day would get.
I was terrified, by his laugh. As he walked over to me my mind was anywhere but in that bathroom. He threw me on my parents waterbed, he hurt me again and again. I can't even tell you how many ways or how many times. This entire time I was just trying to understand what i had done to cause this. Finally, he took a break. Leaving me face down on the bed. I was in and out of life. I was present and far away sometimes at the same time. I just wanted him to be done, I wanted him to leave. I can remember hearing him laugh, saying things about me to the person on the phone. I still can't piece the entire conversation together, but he thought it was funny. I felt like a joke, and I wanted to just disintegrate into millions of pieces never coming back together. I didn't want to survive, and that wasn't the worst of that day. I focused on the sun, the warmth. I focused on anything that was good and didn't hurt me. Once again back to reality, I heard people coming in the house. It was what you would hear if friends were coming over, talking and laughing. That would have been great, I really didn't have those kinds of friends. I had no idea what was happening or why they were there. I was there naked on the bed my hands tied and so ashamed. They all walked in like nothing was different or out of the ordinary. I was confused, I had no idea that what happened could happen, that it was even possible. Don started again, others joined in and I 13 year old little Callahan left the room. I was there sometimes, but other times I wasn't. I can remember seeing Andy and I felt like a human. He was different and didn't join the others. The chanting was one of the worst parts, because they cheered each other on, calling their names and telling each other to do things. It went on for so long. The entire time they were talking to each other and laughing. Clapping and excited. I wanted to die. The names that they called me, how they talked to me I was a piece of property. Somehow seeing Andy, someone seeing me made a difference. I at least felt more human, and that kept me alive.
I always hated that waterbed. I guess if my father could do what he did on that bed why not all the others. My thoughts were of making a mess of the bed and having to clean up. There are pictures so clear, but I don't have words. Not once was it ever why are they doing this to me. It was always what did I do to cause this. There was never a thought that what they were doing was wrong.
It's exhausting these things that have happened and how they affect so much. These pictures, this remembering seems to be free flowing and running me over at the moment. Unbelievable awfulness that was my entire existence. So much that doesn't even have words. I will be glad when this doesn't hurt and I can be glad that I survived this hell.
I heart your heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment