Summer of Me

 

It is hard to believe that today is my last day of summer break.  For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I had a real break. I taught summer school. My car died and I had to get a car. Mariska and I started watching Grey's Anatomy from the beginning we are to season 6.  It's amazing how many times we remind ourselves, "it's just a TV show".  I read books, 5 to be exact.  Good Morning Monster, was my favorite, and I am still in progress on a few. I presented at the Road to Resiliency conference. It was more than amazing, totally lifechanging and something that I am sure I will be doing more of. I worked really hard making my house mine again. Floors cleaned new bright curtains. I threw away so much clutter and junk, that was in my mother's room and the upstairs living room.  I found more and more hurtful things from my mother, that has left me in disbelief. I already knew she hated me not sure why I am surprised anymore. She truly had no feeling for me, for as far back as I can remember.  There is a sadness in that, she missed out on who I am.  I feel like I have grown and changed this, Summer.  I believe that as hard and stressful as things are; I am moving in the right direction.  Changes are coming, good things are happening, and I am at a place where I am in-between them all.  

In all those great things I am unsettled. My body is achy, and the panic attacks are serious.  I worry about money and having enough to cover all that needs covered. I will be glad when I don't have to worry if there will be enough every month.  I am just blah, just sad, just all the time anxious. I want to curl up in a ball.  I was supposed to go to lunch today with my favorite Stacey and I just couldn't. I was supposed to go to lunch a few weeks ago and yet I couldn't. I am sure that this phase will pass, but I am drowning in it right now.  I start a new campus tomorrow and as exciting as that is, there is a nervousness.  Just starting all over with a new team, wanting to do things right and being afraid that I am not. All the worries being good enough, just having to start over again.  It's so crazy being so excited about grad school and so looking forward to a new career, and yet still in a job that has taken a lot out of me.  

For the first time in forever, I got to write and relax. It was amazing getting to do the things that I wanted that made me happy.  I got to enjoy my time and even take naps with no one looking over my shoulder or telling me about all the things that I should be doing.  It was good and I hope to have even more summers like this.  I am sure next Summer there will be lots, more summer school, more classes and more being me.  What a Summer, let's get this year started so many new things for me. 

I heart your heart.