The things I say to myself

 Today it was this.  It came up in my memories and I sat curled up in a ball with a blanket, weeping on the couch.  This person could be me; I could be her. I work really hard healing and moving forward.  I struggle with all the things that I was told, all the messages that I got growing up about just how much of a bother and a pest that I was. I was always that other than girl, always that girl that was different that wanted to belong but never did.  The abuse made me different; I saw life through trauma goggles.  The world was so very different, the world was dangerous and unpredictable.  The things that I had to know and understand, way before my time.  The things that I had to hide, . Things I had to cover were things that are devastating for a girl trying to find her way in the world.  I was never enough as a kid, I got in the way and needed way too much. It is amazing that as far as I have come, all the things that I have accomplished, there are terrible things that live in my brain about myself.  I think there are things that I will always fight, no matter how far that I have come. 

I can remember once for my undergrad, my entire crew were all sitting near each other, laughing and talking.  I came up and sat on a bench alone.  My thinking was I don't want to sit too close; I wouldn't want to sit there if someone didn't want me there.  I can remember Casey petting the bench and telling me to come sit.  Those are the kind of things that are so engrained in my brain.  My automatic thought was why would he want ugly me sitting next to him. I literally have to fight this all the time.  Even starting with a new team, it seems to be blaring.  Today I got there first and saved a row for our team. I ended up sitting in the row in front of everyone, not because there were no sets but because I was worried about getting in someone's space.  I was worried about taking up too much space and making someone uncomfortable. Those are the ever-present effects of all the things that have happened to me. 

I keep fighting and am learning to stand in my place and be who I am.  It is oh so hard.  I would think speaking at the conference there would be a confidence but all I see are the things that I could have done so much better. I am working on it; I will get there.  It's amazing that deep down, there is still that feeling of being less than, being a bother, being a burden. Those are just things that are, in my very core and are central beliefs. I am working on changing them.  It is more than hard at 48, because there were never those moments where people told me that I was loved.  I was never told that I was valuable.  I was never worth anything to anyone. I literally didn't have worth growing up, I was expected to be silent, and do as I was told regardless of the consequences, and for so long that is how I lived my life.  For others I learned that I really didn't care what others thought I was going to do the right thing. That was always for others.  My entire life I was going to make sure that others didn't have to experience the things that I had.  To this day, I live by that.  I cannot change what happened to me, I cannot make it any different.  I cannot make this bruised, broken heart of mine pristine and full of life, but I can make sure that I help others keep that shine and get the love and understanding that they deserve. 

I will continue to work on me, trying to believe that I am not the all-encompassing monster that I feel I am.  I will continue to work on me and believe in the good things that I am.  I truly hope that one day, I will believe in the good things about me, and they will overshadow all the doubt.  Hey, I am a work in progress and it's going to take time.  I cry watching the video, because that girl is me.  I cry because I am fighting that part and look forward to each part of me, being free to be who they truly are and helping others do the same.  

You know that saying if you don't love yourself, you can't truly love others.  I don't believe in that. I can tell you that I love fiercely with all that I am.  I love so hard because I know what it's like not to be loved and never want anyone to have to feel that sinking feeling of being unloved.  I do not love myself; I know I will keep trying and not sure I will get there.  That fact does not stop me from loving so hard and fierce that a person will never forget it.  One day, one fine day I hope that I can believe that about myself. And all the love and care that I give to others I will get back and live my own happily ever after. 

I heart your heart