Sadness is on Me

Yes, I am so sad. Sadness is on me with the 

weight of a million lifetimes.

Sadness is on me.  Fully and wholly.

Sadness is on me and it is making my heart beat

faster than it should, and I can't catch my breath

and I cannot find the exit

I am so sad, getting out of bed is difficult.

Smiling is difficult.

Let's be honest anything I do right now 

takes an agonizing amount of effort 

because Sadness is on Me.

The guilt that I feel is immense.

Because

Good things are happening! 

I should be grateful and truly happy

But the lifetimes I have lived 

the things I have survived.

are weighing more than heavy.

The happy that is there is being stolen by things

that break and tear at my heart and leave marks on my soul.

This sadness makes me feel small,

I want to curl up trying to keep all the already placed pieces intact.

When there is this kind of sad, the pieces feel like sand, seeping through

my fingers

and there is a deep fear that somehow this sadness that is on me is also a thief. 

stealing all the progress that I have made.

There is no amount of people for me to save.

No amount of making others happy

no amount of everything being place

can ever take this weight off.

I keep working,

Keep healing!

that is what I know how to do best,  I just keep going.

Just keep going Just keep going just keep going Just keep going.

When do I get to stop? 

I heart your heart