Joy in unimaginable grief

 

That is how this day hits. Somedays it is big, some days it is just another day.  This was a day 20 years ago that changed the entire direction of my life. I have to find a way to see the joy, to experience the joy in everything that is my children.  I also have to acknowledge the intense grief that I feel, that I wanted nothing more than to feel normal that day. I wanted nothing more than to laugh and have a day out just being myself. I never know how to experience this day, because its something that others struggle to understand.  It is a day that is mine to understand and try to find meaning and understanding in.  It is hard to understand when your lowest of the low and highest of the high are a mere second apart.  Sometimes separating the two things that happened that day is an impossible task and I wish I could live in that place 20 years ago, when I was just a slut.  I don't want to live there but it was an easier option. So today there was some sad, but more busy trying to figure out my place in a new job, new admin, new ways of doing things.  Today I ordered my first books for grad school.  I am going to call that a success.  I will write some tonight but for now, the tears, just a few that have seemed to escape.  My children I heart your heart and EVERYTHING that I I do for you.  

I love you I love you I love you. Momma. 

 I love my children more than life

I hate what he did to me

if he didn't hurt me then I wouldn't have my children 

and honestly if he didn't hurt me I would probably never have children 

I can not imagine ever wanting such a thing

I could never imagine wanting what happened , 

I can not imagine my life with out my children 

And there is the struggle 

that something that was so hurtful gave me the best things that ever happened to me. 

There is no understanding that.  There is no rhyme or reason. 

From the second that I found out I was pregnant they were all that mattered

 I never took better care of myself and there was not a thing that mattered more in the world

I was their mom and I was going to give them all I never had. 

I was so excited at each appointment, hearing your little hearts.  

Feeling you move was always so exciting.  I never stopped smiling. 

What happened to me was just a side note, nothing that mattered really 

this was just what happens to me, I thought and believed that for years. 

Today I struggle with that thought, because it doesn't fit, but I don't know what does.  

There is still those thoughts if it was so bad how can something so amazing happen.  

I don't have an answer,  and I this year this day I don't want to think about it. 

I heart your heart